WoRkInG FoR It

Here's a semi-related follow up question:

I understand that a relationship takes work. It's not always going to be about "happiness". Love is deeper, takes commitment, compromise etc. In other words, sometimes you're going to be miserable, but you have to trust that you made the right long-term decision that this person was worth it, and struggle through.

But to what extent is that true in the beginning of a relationship? Obviously you shouldn't commit to a relationship with somebody who makes you miserable, even sometimes. But on the other hand, you can't expect to be in love with the person right off the bat either. In the beginning, it's much more shallow, so I think it's legitimate to ask how "happy" you are to be around this person.

Here's the scenario: I met a guy last night I really like. Have liked him for years. And I think, in the long term, we'd be quite compatible. He's somebody I could potentially see being worth it to struggle through some hard times with.

However, in the short term, I have already ceased to feel that giddy happiness to be around him all the time. In some cases, I'd even rather hang out with one friend or another than with him. And that concerns me. If somebody is the right one for a relationship, shouldn't I still be in that ecstatic crush stage? I definitely was, with him, when I met him years ago. And then I was, again, when we re-united about 2 years ago. I still liked him and wanted to pursue him even after it wore off. I still like him and want to pursue him now. But sometimes I find myself thinking "Meh, I'm going to pretend I had a prior commitment so I can hang out with X friend instead."

So, have I reached the "compromise" stage too early? Am I asking myself to WORK for a relationship earlier than I should? Shouldn't it still be natural and easy at this point? Or is it legitimate to have friends that make me "happier" on a shallow, short term basis, and still work for a relationship with somebody else? Or maybe is it that I'm kidding myself, and despite having patiently pursued him for 3 years, I don't really like him that much?

Lost in Life...?

A fading hope and a broken dream

Is all there is for me

It's all there was and will ever be

And I keep falling further down

I lost in this life, yeah it's I

I've been living a lie

Time keeps passing me by, but i can't deny

I've been lost all the time

There's no way to cope for these wasted years

Nor for these long lost tears

I'm giving in to all my fears

As I keep falling further down

TeRmInAtOr AgAiN.....

I saw a screening of Terminator: Salvation today. My friends anvesh and naveen were able to get tickets and join me, which was nice. I arrived at the theater at 3:50 for the 7:00 start time, and was 89th in line in Mayajal multiplex.
Now for the movie: I really liked it! I had just a few misgivings going in, as I wasn't really a fan of Terminator 3; I think it had lost its way after the second movie. I also couldn't get into the TV series , although my friend aarunya likes it so much, I'll probably check out the Blu-Ray's and see if I like it better.
This movie is set completely in the year 2018. No time travel, although there are the expected references to John Connor prophecy and a glimpse of the famous photograph of Sarah Connor when played by Linda Hamilton. In this movie, as I'm sure you're aware by now, John Connor is played by Batman himself, Christian Bale. I thought he did an excellent job. When this movie takes place, John is the leader of his cell in the Resistance against the Machines, although he has to take orders from the head honcho, General Ashdown, played by a personal favorite of mine, Michael Ironside.
His father, who, through the wonders of time travel is much younger than John, is played by Anton Yelchin, who also was just seen as Pavel Chekov in Star Trek. His character, Kyle Reese, is hoping to join the actual Resistance, but for now, just leads his two-person team in defending Los Angeles. That is, until he meets Marcus Wright (well!!.i dont remember his actual name), a stranger who shows up and starts kicking machine .
The lighting of the movie made everything look very bleak and desolate and lent itself nicely to the machine oppression of the humans. A couple of surprises near the end were very cool.

My SoUl

Stars are shinning in your eyes

And I begin to realise

That our path through times unbroken

Do you know what it's like

When a mirror never lies

And the truth remands unspoken

And we dance into the fire

'Cause our spirits take us higher

Do you feel me now

Burning like a flame

If you touch me

I may disappear

Floating through your eyes

How do we resist

The gravity of love

In the symphony of life

There's a place I've never been

Where there's angels gathering

and they talk about the future

When the simple things in life

Can do more to satisfy

Let the wisdom be my teacher

You can have all that you desire

But it may not take you higher

Do you feel me now

I HaTe ......MySeLf

hate my body, I hate my life, I hate my career, I have no will power, I’m awful, I’m a bad person, I can’t keep a promise, I suck at life, how did I get here, why can’t I stop, why can’t I do what I should do, why do I keep failing. Have you ever said that to yourself? Have you ever hated yourself? I have. It was a hobby of mine, finding all the ways in which I’m bad. Looking at all the things I’ve failed at. Going over in detail all the stupid memories of all the times I have ever failed. Trying to think of things I could have done differently and then beating myself up for not doing them back then. I blamed myself for everything that had gone wrong with my life and I hated myself for it. I was 50% right.

I am responsible for everything that happens in my life. Note that I am not saying I am to BLAME for everything that happens in my life, only that I am responsible for it. Blame means that it’s my fault, that I did something wrong but there are many things that can happen to me that are not my fault. There are many things that i am not in control of. However, even if I am not to blame, I am still responsible. It is my life, my responsibility. I may not have caused the issue but it’s in my life and I am now responsible for my actions. That’s the difference between blame and responsibility. Blame is focused on the past, it’s trying to find someone to accuse. Responsibility is focused on the future, it’s trying to find way to solve the issue. So my first lesson was all about responsibility.
I needed to take responsibility for my life and stop taking blame. That was an eye opening experience even though the change is subtle. Rather than telling myself “How could you have let this happen?” I was telling myself “How am I going to deal with this now that it happened?” Note that I am not trying to shift blame. I am not trying to say that someone else is responsible. In fact, I took responsibility for more things than I would blame myself for. In the past I would tend to blame others for many of the things that happened to me. That stopped. Instead, I took responsibility for everything in my life. It was all my responsibility and I was the in charge of changing it if I really cared about it.

The next thing I needed to learn was how to love and accept rather than hate and reject myself. Let’s use my body as an example. I hated myself for the way I looked. I was fat and out of shape. I had never met a food I didn’t like and I couldn’t control my impulse to keep eating. I blamed myself, I blamed my environment and I blamed my friends and family. I also hated myself for it and disliked how out of control I was. However, as I slowly started to shift from blame to responsibility, I also started shifting from hate to love. I didn’t hate myself any longer and wanted to lose weight because of it. I loved myself and I wanted to lose weight because of it. Becoming healthier became an expressions of how much I loved myself and wanted to improve rather than how much I hated myself and want to change.

I found myself in a similar situation recently, after my fight on a stupid issue with my friend. For those of you who have never been through such an experience, I highly recommend avoiding it. I lost friend I love and I hated myself for it. I blamed everyone and everything and I hated who I was and what I had become. It was hard to change from that but I slowly started to make the same distinctions I had before. Yes, I had lost her, but rather than blaming myself, her, my friends, my family or anyone else involved, I took responsibility and determined to change what my life had become. I couldn’t get her back, so can i find a new one of same way i want(ironical ,right?).Rather than hating myself for what I had done and consider myself a hopeless loser undeserving of love, I began to love myself again. Rather than vowing to change because I hated myself, I started thinking of change as an act of love, a way of making myself happier, rather than making myself less lonely. It’s a subtle difference but one that has a lot of impact.
Think about this for a second. What motivates you more? “I want to do this because I hate the current situation” or “I want to do this because I love myself and this will make me happy.” For me, the second choice is much better. It motivates me. It allows me to see a better future and that gives me hope. It shows me who I could be rather than who I don’t want to be. It gives me a glimpse into how wonderful my life could be rather than fixating me on the bad aspects of my life right now.

I know that hate sounds like good motivation but it really isn’t. Hate doesn’t drive you towards what makes you happy, it just drives you away from the thing you hate. That might work, sometimes, but it’s much better to focus on the origin rather than the cause. Hate also puts a lot of stress on you and your emotions. You cannot really be happy while you hate yourself. You cannot achieve happiness when all you focus on is the hate. At some point, you need to let go of that or, better yet, turn it into love. Start appreciating yourself for who you are and for who you can be.

I don't know. This is already too long and I'm hurting my head.