Pretty...................................

Looking on the outside
it's so pretty
feeling on the inside
it's just ugly

you shouldn't look at me
you won't like what you see
you shouldn't talk to me
I can't make any sense

Pretty on the outside
ugly on the inside

Early in the morning
I drag myself out of bed
looking in the mirror
fills me with dread

I don't wanna talk to you
I don't like what I say
I don't wanna hear about
all your bad days

Pretty on the outside
ugly on the inside
pretty on the outside
ugly on the inside

Im Stupid

I am stupid with  hell kickin my self esteem .but, this post is not about that.

God knows I'm stupid, I've been told often enough. Stupid - I know it, stupid in every fibre of my body, stupid from head to toe. Yes, I am stupid, I have it said to me and I say it myself: I am stupid. What else am I but that - stupid? At least I admit it; at least I shoulder my stupidity. I can declare: I am stupid. It is a fact. The sky is blue; I am stupid. It is February; I am stupid. A fact among other facts and nothing to be done.

Am I stupid? Certainly I am stupid. Am I am an idiot? Certainly that: an idiot, a drooler, that's what I'm good for. They keep me among them for reasons of contrast. I am an idiot, which means they're - not idiots. I am dimmer than any of them, they know that, which is why they keep me amongst them. An idiot - to provide a contrast, a backdrop. Idiocy - that lets their intelligence shine forth all the more splendidly. Idiocy! Foolishness! To let them radiate brilliance in all directions! That is my purpose; I have my place.

Stupid - that's what I am. Stupid through and through and blinking in the sun, lost in my stupidity. Droolingly stupid and lost in it - my stupidity just as the summer road is lost in haze. How vague I am! How lost, how retarded! I'm late for everything, even myself; I lag behind everything, even myself; I drag myself behind myself, every step is an effort. But I am used to it, I know what it is never to arrive all at once - I know that vagueness which dissolves everything.

Stupid - stranded in a past that is not mine. So lost I cannot come to myself. Snagged - but by what? What caught me then, so long ago, before I was born? On what was I caught so that I could not assume my existence? There is something that obsesses me - in my own past. I am writing to uncover it - I'm looking for it, the root of my idiocy, idiocy's radicle. But I can't find it. Where is it buried? Where has it buried me?

Sometimes I dream I've found it in the earth, the root - my idiocy. Sometimes I dreamed I've uncovered the dirt and found her, the non-idiot I also am. There she is, unmoving, pallid, not dead but dreaming just as I am dreaming. I am an idiot - but who is she, the non-idiot? I dream of her . In another life, I am not an idiot, that's what I tell myself. In another life - but how to find it, the other life?

   

oh!!! Look At Me

How can i just let you walk away
just let you leave without a trace
when i stand here taking every breath for you
You are the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me
when all i can do is watch you leave
cause we've shared the laughter and pain
and even shared the tear
You're the only one who really know me at all

so take a look at me now
cause there's just an empty space
there's nothing left here to remind me
just the memory of your Face

so take a look at me now
cause there's just an empty space
and you coming back to me is against the odds
and thats what i got to face

i wish i could just make you turn around
turn around and see me cry
there's so much i need to say to you
so many reasons why
you are the only one who really know me at all

so take a look at me now
?cause there's just an empty space
but to wait for you is all i can do
and that's what ive got to face

Take a final look at me now
before my life ends in greed only for you
ill be still standing where im to you
oh! take a final look at me now

If I had

I guess I'm a little superstitious, since I refused to let these thoughts mature in my head (let alone write them down) until they returned home and none of this could come to pass. But I think it's a useful mental exercise, so I'm going to do it now with my affluenza to write some stuff

In one of the situations my friend came to me and asked to think if at any case my father did give me this what will be my response and what would i fill up with

"If something happens to me, you can find a list of my major assets at [_____], and the valuation of [_____] is [_____], and you can trust [_____] to be honest in helping you [_____]." Basically, the "here's how you get your hands on your inheritance" he gives before he went.


So I started thinking: (putting aside the obvious trauma and devastation of losing him , which I wouldn't elect to endure for anything) what would I do if something happened?

Note, though, that this is different from the related question of "what would I do if I won the lottery?" Suddenly coming into a lot of money would give me a lot of freedom to choose a new life, certainly. But the more important component here is "what would I do if I had enough money to not work AND I no longer had my parents' expectations for my life as a factor in my decision-making process?"

I don't really know the answer, but it's something I need to think about. My first, flippant, answer would be "quit my studies." But if I think about it more, I'm not so sure. I wouldn't stop studying altogether, even if I could. It'd be boring to "stop" at my age. So the question is what I'd do.


It's true that a big part of the reason I'm here is my parents' expectations. But now that I'm here, I have to admit it's a pretty good place to be. Of the handful of things I can picture myself doing in 10 years, this isn't a terrible stepping stone to get there. There are other more "funny"things I'd rather do on any given day. But there's time for that later, once I have some experience under my belt. it'd be stupid to just quit and do something fun until I'm sure I don't want to do such kinda. So at least I can say I wouldn't quit my studies immediately. I certainly wouldn't just jump in KUVUM and its as annoying as the rat race is sometimes, it turns out it is actually where I want/need to be right now, for myself.

So, that gives me some comfort. If I can honestly say I'd probably choose to be a free lancer(at least in the short term) even if I had the freedom to do anything else,then I guess life ain't so bad!! and thanks to my friend for costing some calories in my mind(i dint have gravity to write till then)

Perdition (Haiku)

walk in the night following the moon
I turn to look at my steps
Hearing a rolling noise far away
Which makes me feel frightened


The wide shadows of the trees
draw dark figures along the path
And I myself with my big steps
Try not to destroy them

I lost my soul that night
I'm looking forward to finding it
I lost my soul that night
I'm afraid of dying, I feel alone
I lost my soul that night, like visions of (a) brave world

with a ray of hope that ill again lose it to a Gal

Lonely warrior - take a break...