AgAiN

I cannot thank everyone enough for your tremendous support and friendship. I honestly feel all the hugs, and I consider myself so lucky to have so many people who are there to lend their heartfelt love during my times of sadness and difficulty. It's been a rough few days. I go from feeling strong, to weak, to strong, to weak, back to strong again. Nighttime is definitely the hardest for me. I've been so incredibly busy during the days preparing for the next phase of my life (which will be happening in my very immediate future), but the minute I lay my head down to rest, the knots in my stomach intensify and my tears soak through my pillow. Deep down, I do feel that this split is for the best; I have an immense faith that I am on the right path, and that if I can just trust the process, my life will unfold as it should. But still, losing love, and a best friend, hurts so deeply. My life has shifted dramatically in just a few short days, and though I never thought I'd endure another breakup, here I am, yet again, suffering the ache of a broken heart.

Friendship.....

Friendship.....it surprises us with it's kindness
and understanding and care
we're lost in our lives and suddenly
just when I felt alone...you were there

And me, just know somehow I've thought of you
and in you I make time to care
because knowing you I feel better about life
knowing you are there...somewhere

I wish you to be happy and hope sadness is brief
I hope to be included even if you turn over a new leaf
because something beautiful in you I see
that reminds me of the good I used to feel in me

You remind me that the best things in life are truly free
the special things that you can't always touch or see
But if we ever did meet, my hand you could hold
hope you don't mind if by that time I'm old

I've seen bad and good in the world and for a time was so sad
because I thought all of the world forgot about me and went bad
But you reminded me of the things precious and bright
and tried to make me smile and something about you feels right

You know you can ask me most anything
and its OK because it's you, and you're understanding and kind
you touch both my heart and my mind
Nicer friends it would be hard to find

So I'm lucky, myself I remind
even though much of life has felt unkind
I've been reminded that life's most wonderful and most joyous part
can be felt in the care and understanding of a friend's heart

Though good friends I can count on my fingers
and none are so near I can spend my time with them and linger
I know they care, and show it in little ways my heart does really feel
and slowly, steadily over time their quiet care is helping me to heal

Doesn't matter how far away...in my heart you'll forever stay

Heart Of Joy

To open one’s Heart
To open one’s Mind
To have the Feeling
Most cannot find

To live one’s life
With a Heart of Joy

One must be Free

Free from Hate
Free from Greed

One must Love

One must Love all
For then one’s heart
Will fill with warmth

One’s mind will be secure
And the feeling of love
Will fill your heart

And the circle of Joy
You will never part

Stregthening "I" to maintain "US or WE"

Love is really an act of faith. When I was younger, I had no way of knowing, or understanding, this simple yet absolute truth. I just assumed two people met, fell in love and, like all my favorite storybook endings, lived happily ever after. It really wasn’t until this relationship that I’m currently in that I learned that love is more than pink bows and sunshine, but that building solid partnerships takes effort. And that the process of working on one’s self, as well as the relationship, helps to make it last, and flow more smoothly. After all, two shaky halves don't make for a super-strong whole. But it's an act of faith because inevitably we don’t know how it all will turn out. No matter how much time and work we put into a relationship, in the end, we aren't guaranteed it will last. we breka up some times. So when we meet someone we want to build something with, we must simply give it our all and hope for the best.

We hope the love grows, and remains, even through the arguments, disappointments and hardships. We hope that he or she will be the person we want to stick it out with, even when life throws us hurdles and things feel terribly tough. That’s the hope.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. About how two separate individuals, each with their own sets of issues, baggage, lives, needs, goals and desires, come together as one? How do they create a single, loving, healthy, mutual partnership? Because the way I see it, unless both people work on their “stuff” individually, they will just bring it into the relationship, and the same issues will keep popping up over and over. There are our individual issues, and our relationship issues, and oftentimes the two are all tangled up together. As a couple, we try to work out the kinks of our relationship, but working on ourselves, for the most part, is an individual process - and one which can absolutely bolster the partnership. The strength of the "I" seems to be necessary when it comes to maintaining the health and the happiness of our "us".

But is there a point when, even though two people may be madly in love and want nothing more than to live their lives together, they still can't make it work? Because there are certain fundamental "make or break" areas in which they can't agree, or even compromise? So the team breaks down because, in those cases, love just isn't enough? It hurts to think that there are circumstances where love isn't enough. Even though I'm grown now and I realize that relationships aren't always hopelessly romantic and perfect, I still hold the sanguine notion deep in my heart that love can conquer anything; that love is all there is; that if two people are truly in love, their relationship can survive any obstacle.

Unfortunately life and love aren't as idealistic as I once imagined them to be. I have learned that recently, many times over. I don't say this in a negative way; I am actually grateful for the doses of hard reality life has force-fed me. I am a much stronger, and more balanced, aware, and confident adult because of them. Maybe in the end, this is what it takes to build a functional relationship: two people surviving, working through and learning from their own life experiences, and then coming together to create (and sustain) something that is jointly fulfilling, joyful and lasting. I hope so, because, though not as simple as a foot fitting perfectly into a glass slipper, that seems dreamy and wonderful to me too. Doing the work to reap the rewards--working hard, living life, working on oneself as well as the relationship, and fighting for love.

collision!!!!!!!!

I love and hate you
At the same time
I need you, dont need you
Is that such a crime

I wouldnt walk down the road
To say goodbye
I couldnt give you up
To some other --y
I wouldnt do anything
That you asked me to
But you know
That its true
I still love you

I want you to help me
To make up my mind
I need you to hear me at least
Some of the time

I wouldnt blame you
If you had to go away
I couldnt stand to live
Like this another day
But I would sell my soul
To get you back today
Cause you know
That its true
I still love you


And you know
That its true
I still love you

Seasons of my life

This was a few days ago. i gave a post i gonna quit the blog:i had this feeling the very moment, Had I written this blog at that point of time it would have been a real tear jerker! Some thing came up and I did not get a chance to write it. I started thinking, will I be able to write it to the same extent after im soothed. I don’t think so.

Why is it that when we are happy we do not recall how bad our past was? And when we are sad all the past memories become fresh. It seems like I have been sad for long enough to remember the last best thing that happened in my life. And now I don’t even know if I am sad or happy. I guess the worst part of the day is when I am all by myself.

I tried doing some new things to keep myself busy but at least for a few minutes I try to think what I am doing with my life and it all comes back. Actually my life is not that bad. I had worst moments before and to my surprise I handled them well. But when ever some thing new comes up, it feel so hard, everything comes to a stand still, and questions my ability to handle the situation.

Can I handle the seasons of my life? I am good at handling the good ones like accomplishments (obviously). I am slowly mastering the bad ones but every other hit seems like a bigger one. I know there is much more to face in life and this is just the beginning. Some thing which has not happened yet should not hurt you but the thought that my today’s decisions are going to shape up my future is scary.

Memories.................

On a walk through the road last weekend ,A torrent of memories rushed through my mind and I began to feel a bit nostalgic for lifetimes past.

Let me explain: As I think back upon my years here, I feel like I've lived several different lives. I've gone through many different incarnations of identity, starting out as an exceedingly dependent, naive and uncertain child, and transforming into an autonomous, self-assured and aware adult. And as I think about leaving this place where I learned so much about the world, and also myself, I can't help but reminisce on the years and experiences past that have gotten me here.

Looking back, when I first moved here, I was a fresh . I didn't think long and hard about my decision to move to stupid school (VDEM) . It was simple, really. It seemed like the most terrifying thing I could think of doing. I knew that school would challenge me in ways I couldn't even imagine, and though I was petrified to do so, I knew moving here would help me gain the independence, confidence, and life skills I desperately needed. . During that first year, it really felt like i was experiencing the unwanted things for me. Its kinda hard to differentiate schooling here to metro type ,But because i was new to chitoor, and admittedly a bit intimidated and afraid, i stuck to my home. Later i got into good interaction with group of friends near my home .It seemed I spent every weekend hanging with the exact same group of friends, plus a few others we picked up along the way, that I'd spent my time with in school. We are still young, and able to go out both weekend nights and stay out 'til the sun rose

After about a year or so, I met a guy and embarked on a tempestuous and turbulent year-long relationship. That was my second identity, one that I'm certainly not proud of, but am now able to realize how much it helped mould me into the individual I am today.

Thankfully, I grew up, and shed that unfitting self. I decided that in addition to being myself, I needed to learn how to rely on nobody but myself. That was my next self-challenge.I learned to love the silence of every place i go, and really found myself in the solitude.

During these years I started meeting new friends through college and various classes, and built some of the best friendships I've ever known. One in particular, with my now dear friend, A. Without him, Im nothing. I spent a lot of time writing . This time was about me. I filled my life with aloneness, very different from loneliness, and embarked inward on a journey of self-understanding and growth. I remember feeling annoyed when people would ask for plans, like they were infringing on my "me" time...but it was all "me" time. I came to a realization, after a while, that I needed to learn to balance time to myself, and time with others.

I started writing in full swing and more, a couple of months back. It was a bold and uncalculated move, and if I had to do it over again, I wouldn't give up my day. . ...i learned a lesson from my co bloggers so,Follow this advice, because it's one of the hugest lessons I've learned during my time here till now: don't let go of one rope until you're holding onto another. I thought I was gripping the rope of WRITING tightly, but, unfortunately, the very nature of it is that it's fickle and uncertain.

L----?

I've been running and running around..
I'm tired of searching for what's not meant for me to found..
I know how to feel..
Yet I can't seem to tell whether it's real..
What is this craving of you that I have?
Every glance we shared, I misbehaved..
What is this longing for you that I felt?
Every time i see you, I'm about to melt..
What is this desire of you I suffer?
Everyday this feeling inside goes deeper..

Is this what they recalled as LOVE?
Is this what suppose to make people fly high up above?
If this is what they say love is..
Then why am I wailing all my tears?
If this is what they say shall bring hope and happiness..
Then why am I sitting here with my loneliness?

I remember running down this road before..
Searching for something they named as paramour..
Once , I remember being so naive..
To find something so ineffably alluring yet itwas all deceive..
All the unexplainable craving that I had..
Just to find love rejecting like a poison injection
All the majestically longing that I felt..
Just to know my hands was not the only love has held..
All the greatful desire I had to suffer..
Just to lost the love who'd left me with wonder..

Is this what they recalled as LOVE?
The one that made me fly up above?
If this is what they say love is..
Then I've fell hard from the sky as rain of tears..
If this is what they say shall bring hope and happiness..
Then I've failed to find either only myself as a carcass..

If this is love, then it had deserted me with only pieces..
If this is love, then it is not what my soul wishes..
If this is love, then I've sadly learn it the hard way..
If this is love, then I've known better just to walk away..