Working Through And Towards

Being in love scares me. It's not loving someone else that I find petrifying. It's allowing someone to love me. Wholly opening myself up, revealing my core essence, and risking rejection of that is by far one the scariest things I can imagine. What if, as they get to know me, they realize they don't love all of me? What if they're repulsed by the parts of me that I already despise in myself?

Someone once told me that unconditional love in life is a fallacy. "Only your parents will love you unconditionally." he declared it so pragmatically. But I have quirks. Many, many quirks. Even I find it difficult to withstand myself sometimes, and this makes me wonder (and worry) how will anyone else? Why would anyone else? The notion of finding the right person - the man who will love me more BECAUSE OF my quirks - was swiftly abolished the afternoon I heard his matter-of-fact statement. Is she right? Is it true that no one will ever love us the way our parents do, or did? Definitively and genuinely? With the same unconditional depth of heart?


I believe I can love a partner unconditionally. I also believe that love flourishes over time. We may not begin our unions feeling all-encompassing, I'll-love-you-no-matter-what sentiments, but if I am ever really going to allow myself to fall, and give myself completely to someone else, I have to think it can develop.

I have to.


I've always known that I have a lot of love to give to the right person. I'm Boy who's been waiting, hoping, for love her entire life. The girl who enters into all the wrong unions in the hopes that one of them will miraculously turn right. Throughout the years, this has caused me a lot of heartache, but it's also propelled my personal growth and helped me gain much needed perspective and self-awareness. It's also given me a clear understanding of what I want--need--in a mate. And what I stringently will NOT accept, or put up with, ever again.

I have evolved. I've realized what dynamics I want to recreate, what behaviors of mine I want to uphold, as well as what I never want to endure, or act like, again. I've finally found someone who encompasses everything I believe I need. But no union is perfect, and there are definitely obstacles for us to overcome. But what makes this relationship different from all my imperfectness . past is that we're working through, and in turn, working towards.

I finally feel like I'm being understood; heard. And when I express my needs they - gasp! - get met! I don't have to scream and cry to get my voice heard. Not that this ever worked before, either. As I've finally come to understand, responding to a raised voice with tears isn't a very effective method-it invalidates me, and negates everything I'm attempting to say.