Setting Boundaries

“He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still.”

No one likes to be told what to do. That’s just a plain and simple fact. Our egos bristle at it. Our minds resist it. So when someone draws a line in the sand sending the message, “you may not cross this line”, there is a small part of us that says, “Oh, is that so?” That’s what makes establishing boundaries feel like a frustrating power struggle. But what if there was a more effective way to establish healthy boundaries? Establishing boundaries are more for setting a standard for what works and what doesn’t work in your personal universe. When a person says or does something to violate your standards for healthy interaction, you learn about them. That is their behavior. They teach you, “this is how I treat you and this is how you can treat me.” And when they do that behavior again and it is tolerated, you have set the standard. You have basically done it to yourself.

If someone says or does something that doesn’t feel right or isn’t what you define as healthy, it is more effective to set the boundary for yourself regarding whether or not you will allow it in your life again. This provides you the opportunity to ask yourself some tough questions such as, “If this person behaves in this manner again, what will my response be? Can I remove myself from the situation? Would I be willing to distance myself from that person while they engage in that behavior?” There is the option to ask the person to stop their behavior. Remember, however, that this gives them the opportunity to answer either way. They can say yes, or they can say no. How will you respond if they say no? What about if they say yes, but then do it again anyway (saying no with their actions)? Aha! That’s the crux. Setting a boundary is only half of the equation. Honoring the boundary is the other half. Who is more likely to honor your own boundary? You? Or them? Who do you have more control over, yourself or others? There is only one person you can effectively set boundaries for…and that is you.

“No matter how famous the victim, no matter how powerful the advocates, it simply isn't always possible to control the conduct of other people.”