2008,Consider The Cycle Broken

It began with a resolution
that a change was in store,
2008 would be different
because I'd settle no more.

The fear of the unknown
and what would happen to me,
was finally eclipsed
by my desire to live as G-d created me to be.

So my journey began
with nothing but time against my side.
I found that as each week went by
tears dwell my eyes.

It wasn't all easy.
It wasn't all fun.
But through my own personal darkness
came the rise of the sun.

So with all my new experiences,
and the dawn of each new day.
It became more comforting and rewarding
accepting for myself, that it's alright to be alive.

I've learned through this year's experiences
how blessed I most certainly am.
With such amazing family and friends
one can't argue, that I truly am a lucky man.

I hope at this time it is evident
to all whom I love that can see,
that I've never been more ecstatic, or in love with myself,
in living life as the honest me.

So how great and rewarding
can any year be?
Exceptionally transformational,
when you choose to live your life real and free!

2008 will be a year I'll never forget!

Can You Be Almost Out To Someone?

Because I think I am.

Well I have this friend from my starting days of my 2nd sem (we'll call her ASsertive ). We haven't really talked much since then, but I had tried a few times to get in touch. It's hard to connect you know why?....hahaaaaaaaaaaa

So anyway, I decided to (like the coward I am) write her something in her inbox.

It'll be nice to have someone know. Wish me luck.

Argh, The Pain of Not Being Open

half-drunken post.

So my sister just came in and asked the following: "So, I know you're awak from all your friend, but are you into any romantic interests?"

And of course I had to reply "no." But she pussed a little bit, "ok, so I'll be open with you but you don't be open with be, that's cool." Then she said she was just kidding and just giving me shit. But it's true.

she talked about and I agree. She's so open with me and it kills me inside to not be able to tell my situation to her.

And now I'm going to bed with that guilt.

G'Night,
santhosh

TIME FOR CHANGE

i have been so emotional this week. First exhilarated, then regretful, then disappointed, then lovestruck, then spurned, then excited, then insulted, then bored, then inspired. There are obviously stories behind each of those, but I'm too tired to tell them, and they're not that good anyway. Mostly having to do with boys. Nothing but trouble. Anyway.

I just got back from seeing Milk, and it was F.A.N.T.A.S.T.I.C. I haven't been to a movie in a long time, and I didn't realize how much I'd missed it. I love to escape for a couple hours. It's even better when I leave the theater feeling like my life has been enriched, and this was definitely one of those movies. I hope the friends with whom i watched didn't notice, but I was crying like a girl for a good part of it. It started when that boy called Harvey from Minnesota. Open the floodgates! You know how I feel about coming out, family/societal oppression, suicide etc. It just hit me REALLY hard. I also cried when Harvey won his election. Sean Penn is one amazing actor, seriously. That scene was definitely the one they're going to put in the montage when he's nominated for the Oscar.
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The movie hit me hardest, though, because it made me realize I'm wasting time with my life. Harvey was 40 years old before he even moved to San Francisco and came out of the closet, and he was dead within 10 years. But he changed the world in those 10 years! I'm not saying I'm going to be a guy rights leader (but I guess I wouldn't rule it out; we certainly need one).


The point is, I need to figure out who I really am, and start living. And I need to sack up and do it before I'm 30. Am I just a stable uninspiring student, or am I going to take a risk achieve my dream of commentry and build network of friends who love and believe in each other? Am I going to hold onto my fancy car and my glamorous vacations, or am I going to sacrifice everything to make a difference? Do I want to be safe, or do I want to be happy? I'm hovering around the periphery of my real life, but I'm not plunging in. I need time to plan, but then I need to set the plan in motion. No more dithering. Nobody likes a poltroon.


At the moment I feel imprisoned by my prior success. I know, cry me a river, right? But with each rung of the ladder comes an exponentially stronger expectation that I'll keep climbing, and if I decide to do something else, I will disappoint people. "But you went to [_____]!! You can't just waste all that!"

But the fact that I'm good at what I do doesn't mean it's what I should be doing. And the fact that I've sunk a lot of resources into it is not an argument for sticking with it. As you know, sometimes the fastest path forward is to go back to the fork in the road you should have taken in the first place. Maybe Im wasting-*******--- on a degree I didn't need. If so, it's a mistake I'm going to have to live with, and it's going to hold me back a little bit for a lot of years. But there's no sense compounding the mistake by refusing to move on.

I don't know yet, exactly, what I want to do. But I know I don't want to do what I'm doing. I'll stick it out for another year or two while I chip away at those backlogs and plot my course. Then maybe I'll go back to college. Or I'll start at the bottom of a profession like an apprentice in my known best field. I don't know.

But I do know I have a couple tasks I need to focus on in the short term:


1. Reflect on what it is that would make me happy, fulfill me, and make me proud to be me.



2. Stop focusing so much on other relations i dont want to get involed in. It's a distraction and a frustration. I need to figure out who I am and what I'm putting on the dating market before I can expect anybody to bite. I'm not ready for prime time. I'm just wasting time thinking I'll find somebody in this state of confusion and insecurity. She'll find me once I've found myself.