I just got my immediate thought of penning down my opinions , after my long assurance on "How does my death look like?".
As my name means "happy", I always want to see myself in a smiling face.This is not exceptional in the case of my death.I bet payload of readers may frown at my weird idea as it is miraculous .Let the cause be anything for my death;be accident;im strangled;suicide.
My world will be as clean as ever,
My body i s as light as ever (Though its my stupidity to assume as like)
cotton buds in my nose gets the feel to my soul that i no more breathe stale air of seasoned world.My legs are tied because there is no more painful journeys.Garlands around my neck makes my soul feel as asshole body enjoying the blossom for the final time but,the pester my soul will ever have is loosing THE LOVE of my love.
The worst part is my nonexistence with my LOVE for the last festival .
Hey No Worry,You Are Unique In your Way
Do you know who the happiest people are? Those who just accept themselves the way God made them, who learn to be happy with what they have and are not overly concerned about what others think. Struggling to live up to what you think others expect of you puts a real weight on you, but there's freedom in humility.
If you were honest, I think you'd admit that you really admire people who have the courage to just be themselves, rather than try so hard to be something they're not in order to fit in or impress others. Of course, those who make such decisions and take such stands often face loneliness and a feeling of isolation from others around them, which is sad.
You know, when I was young I didn't like the way I looked. I thought I was too fat and ugly. I had quite an inferiority complex about that, and it took me a long time to get over it. Part of it was my pride, and part of it was comparing. But then as I grew older, I realized it really didn't matter. I understood that the Lord made me the way He wanted me, and that He made me that way because He loved me.
If you were honest, I think you'd admit that you really admire people who have the courage to just be themselves, rather than try so hard to be something they're not in order to fit in or impress others. Of course, those who make such decisions and take such stands often face loneliness and a feeling of isolation from others around them, which is sad.
You know, when I was young I didn't like the way I looked. I thought I was too fat and ugly. I had quite an inferiority complex about that, and it took me a long time to get over it. Part of it was my pride, and part of it was comparing. But then as I grew older, I realized it really didn't matter. I understood that the Lord made me the way He wanted me, and that He made me that way because He loved me.
He loves you the way He made you, and you're beautiful in His eyes. We're all unique and special. In His eyes there is no ugliness, no matter what we look like.
Building self-esteem often has a lot to do with your relationship with your loved ones. The closer you draw to them and the more at peace you are with them, the more content and at peace you'll be with yourself, the happier you'll be, and the more relaxed you'll be. When you're living close to them, you're beautiful because their love matters.
I have a suggestion for you: Sit down sometime and speak about yourself. Or ask your loved ones to tell you how they sees you, what your inner beauties are, what your inner strengths are, and what gifts and abilities they likes to bring forth in you, that they likes to see shine for others. Let them encourage you, and you'll find that you can actually be quite happy being God's unique creation.
No Need to Experience Extreme Suffering to be Deeply Unhappy
As I begin to unfold my own personal story on this blog I relate various low points but I have never been through anything truly tragic. I have never experienced the death of a loved one, or lost the use of my brain, . For that, I am truly grateful - but only now, years later when my perspective has changed.
!!!!!Gratitude Doesn't come easy Always!!!!!
Whenever we are suffering in some way, it is usually because something that we need is missing. For example, my most pressing problem right now is the breakdown of relationships so this causes a loss of intimacy. I also need to earn more so that I can buy my own things but my need for intimacy is stronger so that has a much greater effect on me than my financial situation. If I was in a happy relationship then my financial situation would probably rise up and demand more attention.Our attention will always be focused on the problem that shouts the loudest. This depends on where we are on that hierarchy but it also depends on our own values. Some people value money far more than relationships .
!!!!Your Problems Are Real To You!!!!!
A danger here is that people put labels on problems, they tend to rank them and say that this problem is ‘worse’ than that problem. This is absolutely false!!!
Your problems are completely real to you and are valid! It doesn’t matter what somebody else may be going through, it is not a competition! If it helps you to think of other people who have ‘worse’ problems than by all means use that to develop some feelings of gratitude for the good things in your life but if those thoughts make you feel guilty then stay away from them as you will only make your own problems worse!
Never let anybody tell you that you’re problems aren’t real, or that you are being silly. You don’t need to experience some tragedy in order to be deeply unhappy. As we move around that hierarchy different problems rise to the surface and whatever they may be, they are real for us at the time. I spent years suffering from depression for ‘no real reason’, but of course there was a reason - I was extremely unsatisfied with my career aspect and desperately felt like I needed to be doing something different.
!!!!!Move Ahead!!!!!
!!!!!Gratitude Doesn't come easy Always!!!!!
These days when I catch myself feeling sorry for myself it is second nature to stop myself in my tracks and spend 5 minutes thinking about all the things I am grateful for such as my health, my family, the freedom I enjoy with my work, my bike, the fact that I live in a first world country, my friends and I can go on and on.
BUT, when you are in the midst of misery it’s not so easy to be grateful because the human mind is conditioned to focus on the bad stuff. What I found is that when I was unahppy the words of Haritha would echo around my head. She always used to say to me, “There’s always somebody worse off than you”. Yes that’s true but that did not help me one little bit at the time! In fact, it made me feel worse!
When I was suffering in my own way I was in pain for my own reasons. On an intellectual level I knew that things weren’t all that bad and that there were plenty of people worse off than me but knowing that simply made me feel guilty for feeling bad about my own problems! Guilt is one of the worst of the negative emotions and it serves no useful purpose whatsoever. In my life, it has been my biggest demon and I still face it now - it creeps up on me when I don’t notice it.
!!!!!Your Problems Depend On Where You Are!!!!!
Whenever we are suffering in some way, it is usually because something that we need is missing. For example, my most pressing problem right now is the breakdown of relationships so this causes a loss of intimacy. I also need to earn more so that I can buy my own things but my need for intimacy is stronger so that has a much greater effect on me than my financial situation. If I was in a happy relationship then my financial situation would probably rise up and demand more attention.Our attention will always be focused on the problem that shouts the loudest. This depends on where we are on that hierarchy but it also depends on our own values. Some people value money far more than relationships .
!!!!Your Problems Are Real To You!!!!!
A danger here is that people put labels on problems, they tend to rank them and say that this problem is ‘worse’ than that problem. This is absolutely false!!!
Your problems are completely real to you and are valid! It doesn’t matter what somebody else may be going through, it is not a competition! If it helps you to think of other people who have ‘worse’ problems than by all means use that to develop some feelings of gratitude for the good things in your life but if those thoughts make you feel guilty then stay away from them as you will only make your own problems worse!
Never let anybody tell you that you’re problems aren’t real, or that you are being silly. You don’t need to experience some tragedy in order to be deeply unhappy. As we move around that hierarchy different problems rise to the surface and whatever they may be, they are real for us at the time. I spent years suffering from depression for ‘no real reason’, but of course there was a reason - I was extremely unsatisfied with my career aspect and desperately felt like I needed to be doing something different.
!!!!!Move Ahead!!!!!
What can happen is that people become ’stuck’ in their problems by continuing to focus on them in a negative way and then never move forward. This can be the time when friends and family tell you to snap out of it. Again, this can be rather unhelpful if you are not yet ready to move forward.
No matter what the problem is, and whether there is an obvious ’solution’ or not, you can’t move forward until you are ready to do so. Even if there is physical action that you can take that first needs to be preceeded with a change of mindset. This is a personal journey. Nobody can do it for you - you can only do it for yourself and you have to be willing to move forward. Of course, If you are reading this blog then the chances are that you are ready so acknowledge that and congratulate yourself!
There are certain situations that are beyond our control - death for instance. For now, just understand that your problems are real, you are entitled to feel the way you feel and don’t let anybody tell you otherwise!
Dealing With Fear Of Change
Before i thought of writing post on my resemblence in coffin i have another little pearl of wisdom that I have been hearing a lot lately is that the fear of change causes us great suffering. Why? Because things are changing all the time, nothing ever stays the same so unless you learn to embrace change you will always be suffering.
This Too Shall Pass
We often hear those words when going through some kind of crisis. It can be very helpful to remember that nothing lasts so no matter what kind of crisis you may be going through, it cannot endure forever. Of course, this also applies to the ‘good stuff’ too and that is where people get themselves into a bit of a pickle.
Looking at my own life, I can see that I am somebody who resists change. I like to get settled, to get myself into a nice routine, surround myself with the familiar and just sit in my little bubble-wrapped comfort zone. The problem is that as soon as I start to get everything into place just as I want it, something will happen to upset my nice balance - something changes.
This has been going on for years and it’s only literally been in the last few months that I finally figured out that it is always going to be like that!
Everything Operates In Phases
Everything in our life expands and contracts, even life itself. As we go through life things change around us. For those in a typical western society it might start with school then perhaps some higher education, getting a job, getting married, having children, mid life (whatever that is!), retirement and so on.
When we fear the new phase it causes us pain. In many cases there’s even a name for this fear such as the “mid-life crisis”! The problem is that the ever changing phases of our life are inevitable. Of course some changes are more subtle than others. For example our bodies are changing all the time so as the days go by we might notice the odd new wrinkle or grey hair but we usually don’t wake up one day and look 18 years older.
Other changes can be a major culture shock - a new job, a child, a relocation, the breakdown of a relationship, a death etc. These are of course much more difficult to deal with but deal with them we must because absolutely everything must come to an end at some point in time.
Everything is Temporary
After You breakup relationship with somebody you will be so traumatised that you was desperate to prevent yourself from ever having to go through that experience again. you can figure that in other relationship , But the thing to be noticesd is "Drowned Ship cannot be brought back"
To start with, no matter how suited two people can be, things can change. Even if I did find somebody who would be perfect for the next 2 odd years, she might get run over by a bus!(damn fucking thought though) Even if we made it to our old age, there would be an extremely high possibility of one of us dying before the other.
Nothing in this world can last forever! No life form, no relationship, no job, no structure, no social status - nothing!
There are some things that do indeed last a very long time but there is still change. Jobs change, people change, friendships change, political parties change, social establishments change, holiday resorts change. Everything, no matter how large or small goes through a natural process of change throughout its existence.
Attachment To Temporary Entities Is a Recipe For Pain
when we become strongly attached to something, we inevitably suffer when we lose it and so when we couple that with the knowledge that everything in this material world is temporary that’s a pretty gloomy way of looking at things!
Or is it? I’ve been reading some books on happiness and one of the principles seems to be that true happiness needs to be found inside of ourselves and now I can see clearly why that is. If our happiness depends on all those temporary things then we will eventually lose something and suffer as a result. If we can learn to experience a deep sense of inner happiness no matter what goes on around us then we will always be happy.
But HOW do we do that?
That is what I have been working on over the last couple of months. What I have found is that knowing that things will change, knowing that people will move in and out of my life, knowing that I get a little older each day has lead me to a certain sense of acceptance. I can just surrender now because I can’t control all that stuff! I know that life will throw me more curve balls somewhere along the line and when it happens I’ll deal with it then.
In the meantime I have stopped worrying about all the stuff I have no control over and just work on what I can control.
!!!!!!!!!!!!! Change!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
As of late my life has been a series of changes, one right after the other. Now, I know change is the way of the world, in fact, it's the very essence of life. We could not get from point A to point B without changing our position. It would simply be impossible. That being understood, I still hate change. Why, if change means growth, maturity, freshness and new beginnings, does it scare me so and make me tremble with fear? I know I am not alone in this sentiment, either. Change causes discomfort and uncertainty, and as a whole, we as humans just don't like to feel uncomfortable.
I have undergone many a change in my life. Looking back, I realize that I could not have gotten to the place I am in today without those changes taking place. Yet even though I realize this, the changes I am going through at this very moment are still making my stomach churn. The anxiety is currently creeping up from the depths of my gut into my throat. Yes, the well-known "anxiety vomit" is most definitely inevitable. But, if change gets me to a better place in my life, than why? Why do I feel such terror?
As any good Son does, I usually ignore my father when he gives me advice or tells me how to better plan for my future. But there is one thing that he has said to me since I was a little Boy that I actually have listened to and remembered all these years, because this one statement has proved to be true time and time again. Whenever I face a new experience and the fear begins to creep in and he notices that tormented look on my face, my dad says to me, "you always think you can't do it, and then, you go ahead and do it. You absolutely CAN do it. Look, you're doing it right now." And when right on the brink of a horribly frightening change those words are of little consolation to me, looking back at every new experience, my dad is 100% right. I can do it, I will do it, and I'm doing it right now.
I started at point A, moved onto point B, and am on my way to point C as we speak
I have undergone many a change in my life. Looking back, I realize that I could not have gotten to the place I am in today without those changes taking place. Yet even though I realize this, the changes I am going through at this very moment are still making my stomach churn. The anxiety is currently creeping up from the depths of my gut into my throat. Yes, the well-known "anxiety vomit" is most definitely inevitable. But, if change gets me to a better place in my life, than why? Why do I feel such terror?
As any good Son does, I usually ignore my father when he gives me advice or tells me how to better plan for my future. But there is one thing that he has said to me since I was a little Boy that I actually have listened to and remembered all these years, because this one statement has proved to be true time and time again. Whenever I face a new experience and the fear begins to creep in and he notices that tormented look on my face, my dad says to me, "you always think you can't do it, and then, you go ahead and do it. You absolutely CAN do it. Look, you're doing it right now." And when right on the brink of a horribly frightening change those words are of little consolation to me, looking back at every new experience, my dad is 100% right. I can do it, I will do it, and I'm doing it right now.
I started at point A, moved onto point B, and am on my way to point C as we speak
How Can I Fulfill?
I wish I knew better how to let things go and just have faith in life's current, and float. I want to be able to do that, and I've tried really, really hard, many, many times. But the thing is, the minute I start feeling all zen about my present and future, I panic.
How can I leisurely float when getting the things I want and deserve in my life take planning and work? I do believe in the incredible power of thought and attraction, but I also know it takes more than concentrated contemplation to manifest something. It takes effort, organization, fulfillment of goals and thinking things through. And maybe I'm completely wrong, but when I'm laying back, simply flowing and letting things happen as they may, I'm not so much playing an active role in creating the life I want for myself. Am I?
Everyone has goals,Nothing to admire at this, but , I'm frightened by it. Does Everyone are extremely driven and hardworking. If You want to do something, You will. "No" is not an option for You. You'r a doer.You may have ability to make things happen. in fact, at Your young age, Youve may have already accomplished many of Your dreams. Of course You may have a lot more hopes to - make Your WILL - fulfill, and while I am in awe of others determination and ability to not just set a goal, but follow it through to fruition, I am worried about my lack of clarity in determining, and thus making happen, my own goals.
Here's One thing: there are many things I want to accomplish in my lifetime. But they're all blurry and indiscriminate. Where as GENIUS'S goals are focused and specific, mine are ambiguous, more metaphorical. They are a fuzzy smudge to theis dark, fine-pointed line. And, as I'm finding, when your goals aren't specific or clear, neither is figuring out how to achieve them. What do I want to do? I want to help people. I want to write. I want to creatively express myself. I want to be a great Dad(dont lol) in future. I want to make a difference. I want to make people's days brighter. These are MUSTS in my life, but beyond being the person who acts on all the above, every single day, I'm not sure where I belong, what my career options are and what paths I should get on.
Because of this, I worry that I won't do all the things I want in my life, and instead, will wind up merely playing a supporting role in the lives of my loved ones. While I want to support my family in becoming the people they want to be, and while I want to be a loving partner and as incredible dad to my future children as my dad is to me, I don't want my own dreams for myself, my life, to fall by the wayside.
My Loved ones's will support me in achieving my dreams, too. I just have to get clear - have a more palpable idea of what they are. I do know, though, that I am not okay with merely being an accessory to someone else's life.
How can I leisurely float when getting the things I want and deserve in my life take planning and work? I do believe in the incredible power of thought and attraction, but I also know it takes more than concentrated contemplation to manifest something. It takes effort, organization, fulfillment of goals and thinking things through. And maybe I'm completely wrong, but when I'm laying back, simply flowing and letting things happen as they may, I'm not so much playing an active role in creating the life I want for myself. Am I?
Everyone has goals,Nothing to admire at this, but , I'm frightened by it. Does Everyone are extremely driven and hardworking. If You want to do something, You will. "No" is not an option for You. You'r a doer.You may have ability to make things happen. in fact, at Your young age, Youve may have already accomplished many of Your dreams. Of course You may have a lot more hopes to - make Your WILL - fulfill, and while I am in awe of others determination and ability to not just set a goal, but follow it through to fruition, I am worried about my lack of clarity in determining, and thus making happen, my own goals.
Here's One thing: there are many things I want to accomplish in my lifetime. But they're all blurry and indiscriminate. Where as GENIUS'S goals are focused and specific, mine are ambiguous, more metaphorical. They are a fuzzy smudge to theis dark, fine-pointed line. And, as I'm finding, when your goals aren't specific or clear, neither is figuring out how to achieve them. What do I want to do? I want to help people. I want to write. I want to creatively express myself. I want to be a great Dad(dont lol) in future. I want to make a difference. I want to make people's days brighter. These are MUSTS in my life, but beyond being the person who acts on all the above, every single day, I'm not sure where I belong, what my career options are and what paths I should get on.
Because of this, I worry that I won't do all the things I want in my life, and instead, will wind up merely playing a supporting role in the lives of my loved ones. While I want to support my family in becoming the people they want to be, and while I want to be a loving partner and as incredible dad to my future children as my dad is to me, I don't want my own dreams for myself, my life, to fall by the wayside.
My Loved ones's will support me in achieving my dreams, too. I just have to get clear - have a more palpable idea of what they are. I do know, though, that I am not okay with merely being an accessory to someone else's life.
Do You Know Who You Are?
Why do we equate our life's meaning with our work? Why is our sense of self so steeped in our achievements and how well we perform? And when we're not constantly accomplishing, or striving to accomplish, why is it we feel worthless? As though our existences have been entirely depleted of meaning?
When I don't write, or when I don't feel much like writing, I feel like a failure. When moments pass me by that I don't document - colorful, important moments that penning about now will surely help me learn the grand significance of later - I am overcome with shame. If I consider my role 'documenter of life', what purpose do I have here if I am not documenting?
Why is our sense of integrity and okay-ness so wrapped up in what we do, when what we do is not equal to who we are?
Because untangling the two isn't easy.
Right now, ask yourself who you are. And in doing so, don't allow yourself to answer in terms of profession, hobbies, relationships or material attachments. All of a sudden the notion of WHO you are becomes a far more intricate and convoluted matter, doesn't it?
In many ways it feels an impossible question to answer simply because it's so societally ingrained, and accepted, to create identities around what we do; accomplish; are talented and skillful in; the company we keep and things we own (or are able to own).
But what happens when all that falls away? When we're left with nothing but ourselves? When, like an onion, each of those material outer layers is peeled back and we're left with only ourselves - our essence and core being? What does that self consist of? Who is it? What is it? And how can we stop attaching so fervently to those outer sheaths long enough to make our own acquaintance? Because when it comes down to it, we are all we have. And the thing about those layers is that, although seemingly protective, they merely make it easier to live in a state of denial; to focus stringently on exoteric elements so we never actually have to make the most important journey of all...the journey within.
The minute we attach our identity to something outside ourselves - whether it be our profession, relationships, recreational activities - when we are no longer capable of or excited about working that job or honing that skill or being with that person, we ultimately lose ourselves and sense of wellbeing. Because that is all we've allowed ourselves to know of ourselves.
But here's the thing, our lives are LADEN with purpose and meaning - we just have to be open to realizing it. We are all here for purposes that extend far beyond mere occupations and relational titles. And every day we are granted a plethora of opportunities to understand, showcase, and experience that. We are here to be active participants in life; to feel fully; to love others and ourselves; to grow; to enjoy; to learn from life's highs, lows, valleys and peaks.
There is a quote I love by Ralph Waldo Emerson and I read it every time I get down on myself for not accomplishing and thus not feeling like the best version of myself - or rather, feeling like 'no self' at all - and it goes like this:
"The definition of success--To laugh much; to win respect of intelligent persons and the affections of children; to earn the approbation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give one's self; to leave the world a little better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition.; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm, and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived--this is to have succeeded."
What enthralls me so deeply about this simple, yet evocative, passage is that it reminds me that success is measured in a myriad of ways. Too often people become so deeply connected to, and insistent on, climbing corporate ladders and other outward elements, that that becomes their only monitor of success, achievement, and thus, sense of self. And while that may indeed be one standard of 'success', so is simply living well, being well, enjoying each day, showing kindness to others, fulfilling passions, introducing a bit more creativity to the world through your very own unique and individualized thoughts, getting to know and love your self. Your true self - sans all the UNprotective outer layers.
In my opinion, that is accomplishment and fortune defined. We just need to eradicate our preconceived meanings of success and self-worth to realize it.
Working Through And Towards
Being in love scares me. It's not loving someone else that I find petrifying. It's allowing someone to love me. Wholly opening myself up, revealing my core essence, and risking rejection of that is by far one the scariest things I can imagine. What if, as they get to know me, they realize they don't love all of me? What if they're repulsed by the parts of me that I already despise in myself?
Someone once told me that unconditional love in life is a fallacy. "Only your parents will love you unconditionally." he declared it so pragmatically. But I have quirks. Many, many quirks. Even I find it difficult to withstand myself sometimes, and this makes me wonder (and worry) how will anyone else? Why would anyone else? The notion of finding the right person - the man who will love me more BECAUSE OF my quirks - was swiftly abolished the afternoon I heard his matter-of-fact statement. Is she right? Is it true that no one will ever love us the way our parents do, or did? Definitively and genuinely? With the same unconditional depth of heart?
I believe I can love a partner unconditionally. I also believe that love flourishes over time. We may not begin our unions feeling all-encompassing, I'll-love-you-no-matter-what sentiments, but if I am ever really going to allow myself to fall, and give myself completely to someone else, I have to think it can develop.
I have to.
I've always known that I have a lot of love to give to the right person. I'm Boy who's been waiting, hoping, for love her entire life. The girl who enters into all the wrong unions in the hopes that one of them will miraculously turn right. Throughout the years, this has caused me a lot of heartache, but it's also propelled my personal growth and helped me gain much needed perspective and self-awareness. It's also given me a clear understanding of what I want--need--in a mate. And what I stringently will NOT accept, or put up with, ever again.
I have evolved. I've realized what dynamics I want to recreate, what behaviors of mine I want to uphold, as well as what I never want to endure, or act like, again. I've finally found someone who encompasses everything I believe I need. But no union is perfect, and there are definitely obstacles for us to overcome. But what makes this relationship different from all my imperfectness . past is that we're working through, and in turn, working towards.
I finally feel like I'm being understood; heard. And when I express my needs they - gasp! - get met! I don't have to scream and cry to get my voice heard. Not that this ever worked before, either. As I've finally come to understand, responding to a raised voice with tears isn't a very effective method-it invalidates me, and negates everything I'm attempting to say.
Someone once told me that unconditional love in life is a fallacy. "Only your parents will love you unconditionally." he declared it so pragmatically. But I have quirks. Many, many quirks. Even I find it difficult to withstand myself sometimes, and this makes me wonder (and worry) how will anyone else? Why would anyone else? The notion of finding the right person - the man who will love me more BECAUSE OF my quirks - was swiftly abolished the afternoon I heard his matter-of-fact statement. Is she right? Is it true that no one will ever love us the way our parents do, or did? Definitively and genuinely? With the same unconditional depth of heart?
I believe I can love a partner unconditionally. I also believe that love flourishes over time. We may not begin our unions feeling all-encompassing, I'll-love-you-no-matter-what sentiments, but if I am ever really going to allow myself to fall, and give myself completely to someone else, I have to think it can develop.
I have to.
I've always known that I have a lot of love to give to the right person. I'm Boy who's been waiting, hoping, for love her entire life. The girl who enters into all the wrong unions in the hopes that one of them will miraculously turn right. Throughout the years, this has caused me a lot of heartache, but it's also propelled my personal growth and helped me gain much needed perspective and self-awareness. It's also given me a clear understanding of what I want--need--in a mate. And what I stringently will NOT accept, or put up with, ever again.
I have evolved. I've realized what dynamics I want to recreate, what behaviors of mine I want to uphold, as well as what I never want to endure, or act like, again. I've finally found someone who encompasses everything I believe I need. But no union is perfect, and there are definitely obstacles for us to overcome. But what makes this relationship different from all my imperfectness . past is that we're working through, and in turn, working towards.
I finally feel like I'm being understood; heard. And when I express my needs they - gasp! - get met! I don't have to scream and cry to get my voice heard. Not that this ever worked before, either. As I've finally come to understand, responding to a raised voice with tears isn't a very effective method-it invalidates me, and negates everything I'm attempting to say.
Purposeful Meaning Of All Our Lives
I don't believe in coincidences. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Even if this is not true, which, perhaps it may not be, I choose to believe it even so because it attributes order, sense and meaning to the confusing, nonsensical and, at times, overwhelming nature of life. I believe wholeheartedly in cause and effect, and that if an awful thing happens, it has not occurred in vain. There is always a purpose behind it. It is this unwavering faith, this stringent knowledge that is from heartache and tragedy are born gifts of learning and growth, that there is a greater meaning and purpose behind even the most seemingly cruel and painful circumstances, that helps me through the difficult moments of my life.
Some people wholeheartedly disagree with me and choose to assume life is a disconnected series of pointless events. We are all entitled to our own belief systems, and I would never try to convince someone to accept my thoughts as true, but for me, life, with all its ups and downs and in-betweens, is wayward and distressing enough; and to view it from this fragmented and purposeless perspective would only intensify my grief and dull my joy.
Things happen, regardless of whether or not we plan for them; regardless of whether or not we attempt to do everything in our power to prevent them. I am learning to release the pangs of guilt I feel every time I think of something I could have done differently to help ensure this "accident" didn't happen; I am learning to let go of the aching caused by words unspoken and apologies withheld; I am learning to forgive myself for being a testy.
Iam also realizing that even when we feel we are drowning in a sea of anguish, when the waves are crashing over us so powerfully and we grow exhausted and weary from thrashing and flailing to stay afloat, at the very instant we think of giving into the tempest, and abandoning all hope of rescue, we must excite our faith...and hold on more tightly. The waves will calm, the skies will eventually shine vibrantly blue and we will find within us the strength, and desire, to continue and endure.
I have confronted these waves, from the unruly storm to the serene sea, for every single day i can tell you with certainty that we are never given anything we cannot handle. I dont say that i could handle anything, but I am, indeed, handling. And even when I feel weakest, I am reminded by the way I am continuing to persevere, and live my life, that I have become a much stronger version of myself than I ever imagined I could be.
I believe this is the eloquent and purposeful meaning of all our lives.
"In the darkest hour the soul is replenished and given strength to continue and endure".
Some people wholeheartedly disagree with me and choose to assume life is a disconnected series of pointless events. We are all entitled to our own belief systems, and I would never try to convince someone to accept my thoughts as true, but for me, life, with all its ups and downs and in-betweens, is wayward and distressing enough; and to view it from this fragmented and purposeless perspective would only intensify my grief and dull my joy.
Things happen, regardless of whether or not we plan for them; regardless of whether or not we attempt to do everything in our power to prevent them. I am learning to release the pangs of guilt I feel every time I think of something I could have done differently to help ensure this "accident" didn't happen; I am learning to let go of the aching caused by words unspoken and apologies withheld; I am learning to forgive myself for being a testy.
Iam also realizing that even when we feel we are drowning in a sea of anguish, when the waves are crashing over us so powerfully and we grow exhausted and weary from thrashing and flailing to stay afloat, at the very instant we think of giving into the tempest, and abandoning all hope of rescue, we must excite our faith...and hold on more tightly. The waves will calm, the skies will eventually shine vibrantly blue and we will find within us the strength, and desire, to continue and endure.
I have confronted these waves, from the unruly storm to the serene sea, for every single day i can tell you with certainty that we are never given anything we cannot handle. I dont say that i could handle anything, but I am, indeed, handling. And even when I feel weakest, I am reminded by the way I am continuing to persevere, and live my life, that I have become a much stronger version of myself than I ever imagined I could be.
I believe this is the eloquent and purposeful meaning of all our lives.
"In the darkest hour the soul is replenished and given strength to continue and endure".
Words Unspoken
here i go with small F---T piece with all my strength
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"Not everything is better spoken aloud. Not when I see you"
Why can't you be there for me the way I need you to? Why can you only incorporate me into your life when it's convenient for you -- when there's an empty space aching to be filled?
I don't understand. Don't you want me to be happy?If You choose to move on with your life, who's there to think about me. If you want to be with me, then speak up ;quit being living your life so inauthentically. And if you don't, then walk away and let me be.
Don't start this with me unless you intend to see it through.
You're a pillar of strength and I admire your groundedness and the way you live your life with integrity and determination.I can't wait to make more memories and remain friend to you im my golden years.im here to sustain you.
I wish you saw in yourself what I see every time I look at you: a beautiful, witty, intelligent, sensitive, clever individual. You are worthy and worth-it. --------.
I'm envious of your life. And yours. And yours. And yours
Sometimes I forget where you end and I begin.
I fear if I stop giving so much of myself to you, you won't need me anymore. I don't want to lose you.
(thats it guys........this is what i can make out from my limited resources and maximum strength)
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"Not everything is better spoken aloud. Not when I see you"
Why can't you be there for me the way I need you to? Why can you only incorporate me into your life when it's convenient for you -- when there's an empty space aching to be filled?
I don't understand. Don't you want me to be happy?If You choose to move on with your life, who's there to think about me. If you want to be with me, then speak up ;quit being living your life so inauthentically. And if you don't, then walk away and let me be.
Don't start this with me unless you intend to see it through.
You're a pillar of strength and I admire your groundedness and the way you live your life with integrity and determination.I can't wait to make more memories and remain friend to you im my golden years.im here to sustain you.
I wish you saw in yourself what I see every time I look at you: a beautiful, witty, intelligent, sensitive, clever individual. You are worthy and worth-it. --------.
I'm envious of your life. And yours. And yours. And yours
Sometimes I forget where you end and I begin.
I fear if I stop giving so much of myself to you, you won't need me anymore. I don't want to lose you.
(thats it guys........this is what i can make out from my limited resources and maximum strength)
Do to others as you would have them do to you.
"Do to others as you would have them do to you."
My Brother questioned my guts if i could do on this.without hesitation i said "Yes" to him.
So lemme know any additions or comments on this piece.
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prediction and can determine in depth all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
faith, hope and love survives. But the greatest of these is love.
My Brother questioned my guts if i could do on this.without hesitation i said "Yes" to him.
So lemme know any additions or comments on this piece.
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prediction and can determine in depth all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
faith, hope and love survives. But the greatest of these is love.
reasons to come out (continued)
well guys ,im not able to think of all the reasons there are to come out. But these are the ones that seem most relevant to my life right now. Some are petty and silly, others are more profound. But I’m going to just list them as they come to me. please let me know if you have any comments or additions!
Mental Health:
Like so many other young guys, I have thought A LOT about suicide. I still fall asleep at least twice a month thinking about it .if someone starngles me to death ill make it look like a suicide and have note in my pocket as "i hate my DNA" . Sometimes it just feels like it’d be better to die than have to deal with whatever might come. Of course, in any kind of rational moment, I realize that I have a better life than 99.999999999% of the population in most measures, and that suicide would just be ridiculous. (After all, if life is so bad that you’re ready to die, it can only get better!) I also sometimes think about whether and how I’d kill somebody who threatened to out me. Obviously I’d never actually do that either. But, still, having these thoughts at all are unhealthy. Coming out might not immediately solve the problem because of emotional scar . But I can at least begin to address the source of these thoughts honestly.
Deeper Relationships:
No matter how much anybody may know about me, nobody has ever yet known everything about me. I think vulnerability is necessary for truly loving relationships. I can’t expect to love or be loved unless I’m willing to surrender everything to that person. Putting aside romantic relationships, I feel like my wonderful parents and my best friends deserve to have that kind of relationship with me. It pains me to think how much I’ve held back from them. As much as my coming out might be a disappointment to them, it will ultimately seem like a gift because of how it will deepen their understanding of me and demonstrate how much I love and trust them. I will finally be able to share my excitement when I meet a gal I have a crush on. I will be able to share my thoughts about future . I will be able to share my heartache when it comes.
Basically, there will be people on Earth who actually know me! That’s exciting.
Learn About Myself:
“An unexamined life is not worth living.” I really don’t know a whole lot about myself. For example, I want to know whether I’m good. I know girls think I’m not, but it’s kind of irrelevant what they think. Also, maybe they’re judging me based on my brains or my manners or my ability to pay attention to other stuffs i dont care. Who knows what girls like? I want to know if guys find me good, because that’s what I actually care about. I don't really know what im. I don’t know whether I can flirt any ----. I don’t know whether I’d like to dress stylishly if I felt free to do so. I don’t know how I’d get along with others . I could keep this list going, but the point is that there are many things I don’t know about myself. And I’d like to start getting to know me. “Hello, how are you?”
The Future:
I’ve never really seriously considered the future from a place of honesty. I still entertain the vision of date with my favourite. Once I come out, there is no going back. So I can finally put that fantasy out of my head and consider my future as it really might be. I can think about if, who and when I want to m---y. I can think about what I want to do with my golden years and begin to plan for that. I can think about whether I actually want to try to get into my dream job, realizing what that would actually mean.
Freedom from Stereotypes:
True, many of the things I've listed above make it see them as though I intend to be a stereotypical "exhausted person" after I come out..college . Actually, one additional thing that makes me excited to come out is that I can finally come to believe that I do NOT have to live up to the stereoytpes once I come out. True, I would like to try the things listed above. But my own stereotypes will fall away as I realize I can be myself without doing those things if I don't want to. Fear of being over simplified keeps me from coming out. But once I come out, I anticipate feeling free to make my own place in the world without worrying about whether, how or where I fit in.
im not kinda pseudo.
Well, that’s all I can think of for now. I may add to it as I think of things. But I’d love to hear what you guys have to say.
Mental Health:
Like so many other young guys, I have thought A LOT about suicide. I still fall asleep at least twice a month thinking about it .if someone starngles me to death ill make it look like a suicide and have note in my pocket as "i hate my DNA" . Sometimes it just feels like it’d be better to die than have to deal with whatever might come. Of course, in any kind of rational moment, I realize that I have a better life than 99.999999999% of the population in most measures, and that suicide would just be ridiculous. (After all, if life is so bad that you’re ready to die, it can only get better!) I also sometimes think about whether and how I’d kill somebody who threatened to out me. Obviously I’d never actually do that either. But, still, having these thoughts at all are unhealthy. Coming out might not immediately solve the problem because of emotional scar . But I can at least begin to address the source of these thoughts honestly.
Deeper Relationships:
No matter how much anybody may know about me, nobody has ever yet known everything about me. I think vulnerability is necessary for truly loving relationships. I can’t expect to love or be loved unless I’m willing to surrender everything to that person. Putting aside romantic relationships, I feel like my wonderful parents and my best friends deserve to have that kind of relationship with me. It pains me to think how much I’ve held back from them. As much as my coming out might be a disappointment to them, it will ultimately seem like a gift because of how it will deepen their understanding of me and demonstrate how much I love and trust them. I will finally be able to share my excitement when I meet a gal I have a crush on. I will be able to share my thoughts about future . I will be able to share my heartache when it comes.
Basically, there will be people on Earth who actually know me! That’s exciting.
Learn About Myself:
“An unexamined life is not worth living.” I really don’t know a whole lot about myself. For example, I want to know whether I’m good. I know girls think I’m not, but it’s kind of irrelevant what they think. Also, maybe they’re judging me based on my brains or my manners or my ability to pay attention to other stuffs i dont care. Who knows what girls like? I want to know if guys find me good, because that’s what I actually care about. I don't really know what im. I don’t know whether I can flirt any ----. I don’t know whether I’d like to dress stylishly if I felt free to do so. I don’t know how I’d get along with others . I could keep this list going, but the point is that there are many things I don’t know about myself. And I’d like to start getting to know me. “Hello, how are you?”
The Future:
I’ve never really seriously considered the future from a place of honesty. I still entertain the vision of date with my favourite. Once I come out, there is no going back. So I can finally put that fantasy out of my head and consider my future as it really might be. I can think about if, who and when I want to m---y. I can think about what I want to do with my golden years and begin to plan for that. I can think about whether I actually want to try to get into my dream job, realizing what that would actually mean.
Freedom from Stereotypes:
True, many of the things I've listed above make it see them as though I intend to be a stereotypical "exhausted person" after I come out..college . Actually, one additional thing that makes me excited to come out is that I can finally come to believe that I do NOT have to live up to the stereoytpes once I come out. True, I would like to try the things listed above. But my own stereotypes will fall away as I realize I can be myself without doing those things if I don't want to. Fear of being over simplified keeps me from coming out. But once I come out, I anticipate feeling free to make my own place in the world without worrying about whether, how or where I fit in.
im not kinda pseudo.
Well, that’s all I can think of for now. I may add to it as I think of things. But I’d love to hear what you guys have to say.
The Epiphany
'Epiphany'i heared this word for first time in saarang portal and i was probing for the exact meaning.so,finally after various considerations lemme tell what i feel the Epiphany is .Epiphany is way you view yourself where the possibility of happiness isn’t as unattainable as we originally thought. It’s a moment of joy and hope and a million other things that let us know life is worth living. Something in you changes, at first is unnoticeable, and all of a sudden your whole world seems different all because you are different!
When I finally noticed that change in myself, all I wanted to do was share it with everybody I loved. The second I made that decision I understood that there would be many people in my life that wouldn’t understand. However, I believe if you love somebody you have to let them love all of you or it’s all meaningless! Love means that you see everything that a person is, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and somehow you accept it all and love them anyway (or in some cases even more than before!).
Before I go any further I would like to make something very clear. I would rather have somebody to punish(chastise) my reality, than love my illusion! .
Now that I have come out to everybody, and I have some free time to think back on all that I have gained, and lost, I am alright with how things turned out. I have lost a few friends and a few family members during this whole process, but I have gained a new level of intimacy with every person in my life that was able to accept me for who I am. All the pain and sadness are nothing compared to the ability to finally feel comfortable in my own blood.
For the most part coming out has been an amazing and POSITIVE experience and I wouldn’t change a moment in that process! For every negative experience I had, there were 10 positive ones I appreciated even more because of those not so pleasant. Life is never perfect, and it’s always hard because each of our decisions bring on a million consequences we never saw coming. However those consequences have made me who I am today, and when it gets right down to it, I really like who I am!
Don’t let my stereotypes influence you to not come out to yours. You could be cheating yourself out of one of the most important moments in your entire life. There is always some fear of being hurt by those we love, but remember your perseverance shows how much you love them back and your surrender shows how much you don’t.
When I finally noticed that change in myself, all I wanted to do was share it with everybody I loved. The second I made that decision I understood that there would be many people in my life that wouldn’t understand. However, I believe if you love somebody you have to let them love all of you or it’s all meaningless! Love means that you see everything that a person is, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and somehow you accept it all and love them anyway (or in some cases even more than before!).
Before I go any further I would like to make something very clear. I would rather have somebody to punish(chastise) my reality, than love my illusion! .
Now that I have come out to everybody, and I have some free time to think back on all that I have gained, and lost, I am alright with how things turned out. I have lost a few friends and a few family members during this whole process, but I have gained a new level of intimacy with every person in my life that was able to accept me for who I am. All the pain and sadness are nothing compared to the ability to finally feel comfortable in my own blood.
For the most part coming out has been an amazing and POSITIVE experience and I wouldn’t change a moment in that process! For every negative experience I had, there were 10 positive ones I appreciated even more because of those not so pleasant. Life is never perfect, and it’s always hard because each of our decisions bring on a million consequences we never saw coming. However those consequences have made me who I am today, and when it gets right down to it, I really like who I am!
Don’t let my stereotypes influence you to not come out to yours. You could be cheating yourself out of one of the most important moments in your entire life. There is always some fear of being hurt by those we love, but remember your perseverance shows how much you love them back and your surrender shows how much you don’t.
I think i'm way too nice
I was just standing at an elevator bank with my cousin in shopping mall and there was a woman standing there. I noticed that the button wasn't lit up, but since she was clearly in a hurry and was standing there staring at the elevator, I thought it would be rude to go push it myself because of the implication that she was incompetent. So I just assumed the light was out. I was texting someone, so I didn't really care anyway.
Then a mother and daughter came up, and the mom had the girl push the button. She did it in that retarded half-ass way that kids sometimes do things, and it still didn't light up. Now I thought that maybe the light was not broken, and that BOTH of them were just incompetent. But now I REALLY couldn't go press it, because I would be implying that ALL THREE of them were retarded because the mom hadn't corrected the kid's mistake.
So we all stood there for a while, and finally some big fat guy like naik came along and didn't care what anybody thought. He just marched up and pressed the button like a man. Sure enough, it lit up. Ugh.
Why am I so nice!? At most the first woman would have been a little embarrassed. And surely there would not have been a confrontation. I'm just ridiculous.
Then a mother and daughter came up, and the mom had the girl push the button. She did it in that retarded half-ass way that kids sometimes do things, and it still didn't light up. Now I thought that maybe the light was not broken, and that BOTH of them were just incompetent. But now I REALLY couldn't go press it, because I would be implying that ALL THREE of them were retarded because the mom hadn't corrected the kid's mistake.
So we all stood there for a while, and finally some big fat guy like naik came along and didn't care what anybody thought. He just marched up and pressed the button like a man. Sure enough, it lit up. Ugh.
Why am I so nice!? At most the first woman would have been a little embarrassed. And surely there would not have been a confrontation. I'm just ridiculous.
Why Not Come Out?
Somebody asked me why I don’t just come out, and that got me thinking. So I want to share the reasons I am able to articulate. There are undoubtedly some subconscious reasons I’m missing. And I realize some of this may be offensive to those of you who are more comfortable with your way you are. I apologize in advance. I don’t claim to be well-adjusted, knowledgeable or mature in my understanding of myself, my family, culture, or what it’s like to be any way. I don’t even claim that my thoughts are rational.
Hometown Shock: I am the golden boy from my hometown. I have always been treated like kiddish. My family members are referred to as “santhosh's sister/mother/father.” I don’t think I’m unusual for enjoying that kind of admiration. And I realize it will diminish when I come out. I’m sure people will be politically correct and tell me it’s kewl. But the fact is it’ll be different. I don’t think the moms will be asking their younger boys “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” anymore. They certainly won’t be asking their daughters why don’t you be like your brother(lol, i wonder what makes the difference then..?)
Disappointment: Of course my family is going to love me just as much. But the fact is that present me is not going to live up to the dreams they had for the old me. It’s not necessarily that my life will be worse, but it will be different. My parents pictured the pretty wife with the pretty little kids and the suburban house with the white picket fence. My sibling have always thought I’d be inviting them to spend the night in the
Bogus Hindsight: I’ve never really liked most team sports(cricket is exceptional). I’ve always been interested in litereature I’ve always gotten along well with books as friends. I’ve always been close to my mom. I think it’s fun to read celebrity magazines like People. I talk really fast when I get excited. I think these things are just part of who I am. I think I can point to how those characteristics developed. And I don’t think they have anything to do with the fact that I find others attractive. And I’m sure people are going to look back and nod smugly and say “ahhh, of course, I should have known!” I just find that ridiculous and annoying. If they look back to the fact that I know nobody since high school, THIS is legitimate clue. But I won’t enjoy people examining my life and finding things in my past that are not. I don’t want to be re-defined through colored glasses.
Denial: As ridiculous as it is at this point, part of me still thinks it might all be a big mistake. Maybe I’m just in a really long phase. Maybe I just had a bad experience till date Maybe it’s just a psychological feeling And all else being equal, I’d rather be straight because of the other issues I’ve mentioned here. Life would just be easier. So my denial, as ridiculous as it may be, is holding out strong.
I Can’t Go Back: Even if I am not in a right position with my career aspect, right now I still have the option to keep lying and live a fake life. People have been doing it for thousands of years, and millions are doing it today. I’m coming to realize that’s not what I want. But once I come out, I’ve lost that option, and two options are better than one.
Faith: Apart from possibly losing the friendship and/or respect of my religious friends, I haven’t quite figured out where I think superstitious fits into the religious and moral system I’ve been living with. I dont want to discuss it pretty thoroughly now, so I won’t hash it. But I do believe God can ask us to make sacrifices, and that we ought to obey. And if my feelings is one of the things I should sacrifice, I won’t be able to help feeling that coming out is just weakness on my part. If other people can sacrifice their desire for revenge, I should be at least as obedient if that is what’s being asked of me.
Labels: Nobody likes to be labeled. There is a lot more to who I am than my personal activities. But I know that’s how I’ll be labeled for the rest of my life. When people are describing me to others, they’ll say “you know, that guy we met last weekend?” Ugh. I don’t want to lose my individuality to just become a label.
Others of you are probably thinking "if the people in your life can't deal with it and support you, They weren't good friends anyway." Well, yes, that may be true in theory. But it's still hard to lose people.
Please!!!!
!!!! Another !!!!
I finally came out to my childhood best friend! He was probably in the top 10 most important people I had to come out to. For those of you just tuning in, my policy on coming out (in a nutshell) is that I'm fine with the grapevine taking care of it for the most part, as long as certain important people hear it from me first. I told my parents first because I was most afraid of them finding out from somebody else.
The grapevine is heating up, and my friend was one of the few on that short list, so I had to take care of it before it got to him. He was down in vellore for Christmas, so I invited him out to see my place and have dinner. I was still sick, so I ate exactly one noodle of my pasta. He was actually finished eating by the time it fit nicely into the conversation.
We'd been through the expected topics, and then he asked "so what else is new?" And I said "Well, I guess this is as good a time as any to finally tell you I'm not into any relation." He smiled almost imperceptibly, and I said "it probably comes as no surprise, I can guess, " And he said that he had suspected it ever since I stopped talking to him about my class girls months ago. He'd never wanted to ask me because he figured that if I was ready to talk about it, I'd have told him. In keeping with our conversation earlier, I wish he had.
He asked all the expected questions. Interestingly, he asked about a couple of my really hot college friends he'd met. He couldn't believe I hadn't wanted them. But I just wasn't in that mindset when I was friends with them! It was hard to explain, but I think he got it.
And by the way, since you're probably wondering, it wasn't nervousness that made me sick. Interestingly, I hardly felt nervous at all this time. I had the usual butterflies I'd have for any exciting event. But it wasn't scary to come out to him. For one thing, I knew he would take it well; he's been like a brother for over 10 years.
And more importantly, I felt it didn't matter even if he didn't take it well. I'm so sure now that being out is what's right for me that it just doesn't matter if somebody reacts badly. I have finally come to the point where I actually believe that old line "If he doesn't support you, he wasn't worth having as a friend anyway."
I guess that's easy to say because nobody has ever taken it badly, and I don't expect anybody to. Maybe if I really do lose a friend, I will be devastated and all this confidence will go out the window. But I hope not. I hope I never have to find out!
I'm just happy that I had another success
Happy New Year!
The grapevine is heating up, and my friend was one of the few on that short list, so I had to take care of it before it got to him. He was down in vellore for Christmas, so I invited him out to see my place and have dinner. I was still sick, so I ate exactly one noodle of my pasta. He was actually finished eating by the time it fit nicely into the conversation.
We'd been through the expected topics, and then he asked "so what else is new?" And I said "Well, I guess this is as good a time as any to finally tell you I'm not into any relation." He smiled almost imperceptibly, and I said "it probably comes as no surprise, I can guess, " And he said that he had suspected it ever since I stopped talking to him about my class girls months ago. He'd never wanted to ask me because he figured that if I was ready to talk about it, I'd have told him. In keeping with our conversation earlier, I wish he had.
He asked all the expected questions. Interestingly, he asked about a couple of my really hot college friends he'd met. He couldn't believe I hadn't wanted them. But I just wasn't in that mindset when I was friends with them! It was hard to explain, but I think he got it.
And by the way, since you're probably wondering, it wasn't nervousness that made me sick. Interestingly, I hardly felt nervous at all this time. I had the usual butterflies I'd have for any exciting event. But it wasn't scary to come out to him. For one thing, I knew he would take it well; he's been like a brother for over 10 years.
And more importantly, I felt it didn't matter even if he didn't take it well. I'm so sure now that being out is what's right for me that it just doesn't matter if somebody reacts badly. I have finally come to the point where I actually believe that old line "If he doesn't support you, he wasn't worth having as a friend anyway."
I guess that's easy to say because nobody has ever taken it badly, and I don't expect anybody to. Maybe if I really do lose a friend, I will be devastated and all this confidence will go out the window. But I hope not. I hope I never have to find out!
I'm just happy that I had another success
Happy New Year!
2008,Consider The Cycle Broken
It began with a resolution
that a change was in store,
2008 would be different
because I'd settle no more.
The fear of the unknown
and what would happen to me,
was finally eclipsed
by my desire to live as G-d created me to be.
So my journey began
with nothing but time against my side.
I found that as each week went by
tears dwell my eyes.
It wasn't all easy.
It wasn't all fun.
But through my own personal darkness
came the rise of the sun.
So with all my new experiences,
and the dawn of each new day.
It became more comforting and rewarding
accepting for myself, that it's alright to be alive.
I've learned through this year's experiences
how blessed I most certainly am.
With such amazing family and friends
one can't argue, that I truly am a lucky man.
I hope at this time it is evident
to all whom I love that can see,
that I've never been more ecstatic, or in love with myself,
in living life as the honest me.
So how great and rewarding
can any year be?
Exceptionally transformational,
when you choose to live your life real and free!
2008 will be a year I'll never forget!
that a change was in store,
2008 would be different
because I'd settle no more.
The fear of the unknown
and what would happen to me,
was finally eclipsed
by my desire to live as G-d created me to be.
So my journey began
with nothing but time against my side.
I found that as each week went by
tears dwell my eyes.
It wasn't all easy.
It wasn't all fun.
But through my own personal darkness
came the rise of the sun.
So with all my new experiences,
and the dawn of each new day.
It became more comforting and rewarding
accepting for myself, that it's alright to be alive.
I've learned through this year's experiences
how blessed I most certainly am.
With such amazing family and friends
one can't argue, that I truly am a lucky man.
I hope at this time it is evident
to all whom I love that can see,
that I've never been more ecstatic, or in love with myself,
in living life as the honest me.
So how great and rewarding
can any year be?
Exceptionally transformational,
when you choose to live your life real and free!
2008 will be a year I'll never forget!
Can You Be Almost Out To Someone?
Because I think I am.
Well I have this friend from my starting days of my 2nd sem (we'll call her ASsertive ). We haven't really talked much since then, but I had tried a few times to get in touch. It's hard to connect you know why?....hahaaaaaaaaaaa
So anyway, I decided to (like the coward I am) write her something in her inbox.
It'll be nice to have someone know. Wish me luck.
Well I have this friend from my starting days of my 2nd sem (we'll call her ASsertive ). We haven't really talked much since then, but I had tried a few times to get in touch. It's hard to connect you know why?....hahaaaaaaaaaaa
So anyway, I decided to (like the coward I am) write her something in her inbox.
It'll be nice to have someone know. Wish me luck.
Argh, The Pain of Not Being Open
half-drunken post.
So my sister just came in and asked the following: "So, I know you're awak from all your friend, but are you into any romantic interests?"
And of course I had to reply "no." But she pussed a little bit, "ok, so I'll be open with you but you don't be open with be, that's cool." Then she said she was just kidding and just giving me shit. But it's true.
she talked about and I agree. She's so open with me and it kills me inside to not be able to tell my situation to her.
And now I'm going to bed with that guilt.
G'Night,
santhosh
So my sister just came in and asked the following: "So, I know you're awak from all your friend, but are you into any romantic interests?"
And of course I had to reply "no." But she pussed a little bit, "ok, so I'll be open with you but you don't be open with be, that's cool." Then she said she was just kidding and just giving me shit. But it's true.
she talked about and I agree. She's so open with me and it kills me inside to not be able to tell my situation to her.
And now I'm going to bed with that guilt.
G'Night,
santhosh
TIME FOR CHANGE
i have been so emotional this week. First exhilarated, then regretful, then disappointed, then lovestruck, then spurned, then excited, then insulted, then bored, then inspired. There are obviously stories behind each of those, but I'm too tired to tell them, and they're not that good anyway. Mostly having to do with boys. Nothing but trouble. Anyway.
I just got back from seeing Milk, and it was F.A.N.T.A.S.T.I.C. I haven't been to a movie in a long time, and I didn't realize how much I'd missed it. I love to escape for a couple hours. It's even better when I leave the theater feeling like my life has been enriched, and this was definitely one of those movies. I hope the friends with whom i watched didn't notice, but I was crying like a girl for a good part of it. It started when that boy called Harvey from Minnesota. Open the floodgates! You know how I feel about coming out, family/societal oppression, suicide etc. It just hit me REALLY hard. I also cried when Harvey won his election. Sean Penn is one amazing actor, seriously. That scene was definitely the one they're going to put in the montage when he's nominated for the Oscar.
-
-
-
-
The movie hit me hardest, though, because it made me realize I'm wasting time with my life. Harvey was 40 years old before he even moved to San Francisco and came out of the closet, and he was dead within 10 years. But he changed the world in those 10 years! I'm not saying I'm going to be a guy rights leader (but I guess I wouldn't rule it out; we certainly need one).
The point is, I need to figure out who I really am, and start living. And I need to sack up and do it before I'm 30. Am I just a stable uninspiring student, or am I going to take a risk achieve my dream of commentry and build network of friends who love and believe in each other? Am I going to hold onto my fancy car and my glamorous vacations, or am I going to sacrifice everything to make a difference? Do I want to be safe, or do I want to be happy? I'm hovering around the periphery of my real life, but I'm not plunging in. I need time to plan, but then I need to set the plan in motion. No more dithering. Nobody likes a poltroon.
At the moment I feel imprisoned by my prior success. I know, cry me a river, right? But with each rung of the ladder comes an exponentially stronger expectation that I'll keep climbing, and if I decide to do something else, I will disappoint people. "But you went to [_____]!! You can't just waste all that!"
But the fact that I'm good at what I do doesn't mean it's what I should be doing. And the fact that I've sunk a lot of resources into it is not an argument for sticking with it. As you know, sometimes the fastest path forward is to go back to the fork in the road you should have taken in the first place. Maybe Im wasting-*******--- on a degree I didn't need. If so, it's a mistake I'm going to have to live with, and it's going to hold me back a little bit for a lot of years. But there's no sense compounding the mistake by refusing to move on.
I don't know yet, exactly, what I want to do. But I know I don't want to do what I'm doing. I'll stick it out for another year or two while I chip away at those backlogs and plot my course. Then maybe I'll go back to college. Or I'll start at the bottom of a profession like an apprentice in my known best field. I don't know.
But I do know I have a couple tasks I need to focus on in the short term:
1. Reflect on what it is that would make me happy, fulfill me, and make me proud to be me.
2. Stop focusing so much on other relations i dont want to get involed in. It's a distraction and a frustration. I need to figure out who I am and what I'm putting on the dating market before I can expect anybody to bite. I'm not ready for prime time. I'm just wasting time thinking I'll find somebody in this state of confusion and insecurity. She'll find me once I've found myself.
I just got back from seeing Milk, and it was F.A.N.T.A.S.T.I.C. I haven't been to a movie in a long time, and I didn't realize how much I'd missed it. I love to escape for a couple hours. It's even better when I leave the theater feeling like my life has been enriched, and this was definitely one of those movies. I hope the friends with whom i watched didn't notice, but I was crying like a girl for a good part of it. It started when that boy called Harvey from Minnesota. Open the floodgates! You know how I feel about coming out, family/societal oppression, suicide etc. It just hit me REALLY hard. I also cried when Harvey won his election. Sean Penn is one amazing actor, seriously. That scene was definitely the one they're going to put in the montage when he's nominated for the Oscar.
-
-
-
-
The movie hit me hardest, though, because it made me realize I'm wasting time with my life. Harvey was 40 years old before he even moved to San Francisco and came out of the closet, and he was dead within 10 years. But he changed the world in those 10 years! I'm not saying I'm going to be a guy rights leader (but I guess I wouldn't rule it out; we certainly need one).
The point is, I need to figure out who I really am, and start living. And I need to sack up and do it before I'm 30. Am I just a stable uninspiring student, or am I going to take a risk achieve my dream of commentry and build network of friends who love and believe in each other? Am I going to hold onto my fancy car and my glamorous vacations, or am I going to sacrifice everything to make a difference? Do I want to be safe, or do I want to be happy? I'm hovering around the periphery of my real life, but I'm not plunging in. I need time to plan, but then I need to set the plan in motion. No more dithering. Nobody likes a poltroon.
At the moment I feel imprisoned by my prior success. I know, cry me a river, right? But with each rung of the ladder comes an exponentially stronger expectation that I'll keep climbing, and if I decide to do something else, I will disappoint people. "But you went to [_____]!! You can't just waste all that!"
But the fact that I'm good at what I do doesn't mean it's what I should be doing. And the fact that I've sunk a lot of resources into it is not an argument for sticking with it. As you know, sometimes the fastest path forward is to go back to the fork in the road you should have taken in the first place. Maybe Im wasting-*******--- on a degree I didn't need. If so, it's a mistake I'm going to have to live with, and it's going to hold me back a little bit for a lot of years. But there's no sense compounding the mistake by refusing to move on.
I don't know yet, exactly, what I want to do. But I know I don't want to do what I'm doing. I'll stick it out for another year or two while I chip away at those backlogs and plot my course. Then maybe I'll go back to college. Or I'll start at the bottom of a profession like an apprentice in my known best field. I don't know.
But I do know I have a couple tasks I need to focus on in the short term:
1. Reflect on what it is that would make me happy, fulfill me, and make me proud to be me.
2. Stop focusing so much on other relations i dont want to get involed in. It's a distraction and a frustration. I need to figure out who I am and what I'm putting on the dating market before I can expect anybody to bite. I'm not ready for prime time. I'm just wasting time thinking I'll find somebody in this state of confusion and insecurity. She'll find me once I've found myself.
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I'M NOT GREED by Santhosh Sagar N is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 India License.
Based on a work at www.poorboy1.blogspot.com.