Why Not Come Out?

Somebody asked me why I don’t just come out, and that got me thinking. So I want to share the reasons I am able to articulate. There are undoubtedly some subconscious reasons I’m missing. And I realize some of this may be offensive to those of you who are more comfortable with your way you are. I apologize in advance. I don’t claim to be well-adjusted, knowledgeable or mature in my understanding of myself, my family, culture, or what it’s like to be any way. I don’t even claim that my thoughts are rational.

So, while I welcome constructive comments, please don’t crucify me for being honest. I’m not saying these are the correct things to feel and believe. It will probably be a difficult process for me to overcome some of these issues, and any help you could give would be appreciated. It would not, however, be helpful for you to just claim I’m wrong, insensitive, overly-sensitive, egotistical or some other if you have. All those things may be true, and I know that. Anyway, here’s what I’m thinking, in no particular order:

Hometown Shock: I am the golden boy from my hometown. I have always been treated like kiddish. My family members are referred to as “santhosh's sister/mother/father.” I don’t think I’m unusual for enjoying that kind of admiration. And I realize it will diminish when I come out. I’m sure people will be politically correct and tell me it’s kewl. But the fact is it’ll be different. I don’t think the moms will be asking their younger boys “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” anymore. They certainly won’t be asking their daughters why don’t you be like your brother(lol, i wonder what makes the difference then..?)

Social Stigma: Apart from my hometown situation, there is also the rest of my life. I know that when I want to walk down the street holding a gal's hand, there are always going to be people with unworthy expression(simply snigger). I realize that (at least in my lifetime) I won’t be welcome in certain places, countries and homes. I will always have to wonder whether my straight friends are concerned whether I’m looking at them in the locker room. I will repeatedly have that awkward moment when a new acquaintance realizes I’m of wrong type and has to decide how to act. And, of course, there will probably be a few unpleasant moments of outright hatred or even violence. I just don’t want to deal with that.who knows it may happen with your best ones

Disappointment: Of course my family is going to love me just as much. But the fact is that present me is not going to live up to the dreams they had for the old me. It’s not necessarily that my life will be worse, but it will be different. My parents pictured the pretty wife with the pretty little kids and the suburban house with the white picket fence. My sibling have always thought I’d be inviting them to spend the night in the Heaven like house. And while I might have kids, and I might be “important” someday, it’s just not going to be the same. I hate to disappoint people


Bogus Hindsight: I’ve never really liked most team sports(cricket is exceptional). I’ve always been interested in litereature I’ve always gotten along well with books as friends. I’ve always been close to my mom. I think it’s fun to read celebrity magazines like People. I talk really fast when I get excited. I think these things are just part of who I am. I think I can point to how those characteristics developed. And I don’t think they have anything to do with the fact that I find others attractive. And I’m sure people are going to look back and nod smugly and say “ahhh, of course, I should have known!” I just find that ridiculous and annoying. If they look back to the fact that I know nobody since high school, THIS is legitimate clue. But I won’t enjoy people examining my life and finding things in my past that are not. I don’t want to be re-defined through colored glasses.


Denial: As ridiculous as it is at this point, part of me still thinks it might all be a big mistake. Maybe I’m just in a really long phase. Maybe I just had a bad experience till date Maybe it’s just a psychological feeling And all else being equal, I’d rather be straight because of the other issues I’ve mentioned here. Life would just be easier. So my denial, as ridiculous as it may be, is holding out strong.


I Can’t Go Back: Even if I am not in a right position with my career aspect, right now I still have the option to keep lying and live a fake life. People have been doing it for thousands of years, and millions are doing it today. I’m coming to realize that’s not what I want. But once I come out, I’ve lost that option, and two options are better than one.

Faith: Apart from possibly losing the friendship and/or respect of my religious friends, I haven’t quite figured out where I think superstitious fits into the religious and moral system I’ve been living with. I dont want to discuss it pretty thoroughly now, so I won’t hash it. But I do believe God can ask us to make sacrifices, and that we ought to obey. And if my feelings is one of the things I should sacrifice, I won’t be able to help feeling that coming out is just weakness on my part. If other people can sacrifice their desire for revenge, I should be at least as obedient if that is what’s being asked of me.



Labels: Nobody likes to be labeled. There is a lot more to who I am than my personal activities. But I know that’s how I’ll be labeled for the rest of my life. When people are describing me to others, they’ll say “you know, that guy we met last weekend?” Ugh. I don’t want to lose my individuality to just become a label.

A lot of these issues could be subsumed under a larger category of “ego.” I realize ego is unattractive. The big question you’re probably asking (that could be asked about any guy agonizing over coming out) is “who the crap cares that much about you!?!?” So I realize it’s very self-absorbed to even be worrying about this. I am one little life in a big world. Even my close family members will adjust quickly and be over it. But I can’t help that this is how I’m feeling.

Others of you are probably thinking "if the people in your life can't deal with it and support you, They weren't good friends anyway." Well, yes, that may be true in theory. But it's still hard to lose people.

Again, I’m probably missing things. And again, I apologize if any of you found this offensive. I’m just being honest about where I’m at right now. Please let me know if you have any thoughts.

Please!!!!

!!!! Another !!!!

I finally came out to my childhood best friend! He was probably in the top 10 most important people I had to come out to. For those of you just tuning in, my policy on coming out (in a nutshell) is that I'm fine with the grapevine taking care of it for the most part, as long as certain important people hear it from me first. I told my parents first because I was most afraid of them finding out from somebody else.

The grapevine is heating up, and my friend was one of the few on that short list, so I had to take care of it before it got to him. He was down in vellore for Christmas, so I invited him out to see my place and have dinner. I was still sick, so I ate exactly one noodle of my pasta. He was actually finished eating by the time it fit nicely into the conversation.

We'd been through the expected topics, and then he asked "so what else is new?" And I said "Well, I guess this is as good a time as any to finally tell you I'm not into any relation." He smiled almost imperceptibly, and I said "it probably comes as no surprise, I can guess, " And he said that he had suspected it ever since I stopped talking to him about my class girls months ago. He'd never wanted to ask me because he figured that if I was ready to talk about it, I'd have told him. In keeping with our conversation earlier, I wish he had.

He asked all the expected questions. Interestingly, he asked about a couple of my really hot college friends he'd met. He couldn't believe I hadn't wanted them. But I just wasn't in that mindset when I was friends with them! It was hard to explain, but I think he got it.

And by the way, since you're probably wondering, it wasn't nervousness that made me sick. Interestingly, I hardly felt nervous at all this time. I had the usual butterflies I'd have for any exciting event. But it wasn't scary to come out to him. For one thing, I knew he would take it well; he's been like a brother for over 10 years.

And more importantly, I felt it didn't matter even if he didn't take it well. I'm so sure now that being out is what's right for me that it just doesn't matter if somebody reacts badly. I have finally come to the point where I actually believe that old line "If he doesn't support you, he wasn't worth having as a friend anyway."

I guess that's easy to say because nobody has ever taken it badly, and I don't expect anybody to. Maybe if I really do lose a friend, I will be devastated and all this confidence will go out the window. But I hope not. I hope I never have to find out!

I'm just happy that I had another success

Happy New Year!