This Is My Drug.

I've discovered that gratitude is like a drug to me. I thrive on it. I can't get enough of it. If I can find a way to do something for somebody I care about, and they are thankful, I am at my happiest. They don't even need to say it; I just need to know they appreciate it. As a result, I tend to feel my closest connections to those I'm helping. And I tend not to feel as connected to friends who are totally self-sufficient.

Don't get me wrong...I'm not trying to convey that I'm some altruistic saint. In fact, I'm saying the opposite: I do this stuff because I get a rush out of it. I'm not Mother Teresa or Ramana maharshi. For one thing, I don't get much from helping random strangers, although that is definitely nice sometimes. Rather, I find the greatest joy from doing things for people I already know (or want to know better). And I don't particularly need to perform great mountain-moving acts of sacrifice that change lives, although that would be cool. I just want to do little things that make people happy. I want to give people rides in emergency. I want to proofread an important application essay. I want to help somebody move a heavy piece of furniture. I want to host a fun weekend getaway. I want to help somebody resolve a personal problem.

I think this one little personality trait helps explains a lot about me, now that I think about it. It's a big part of the reason I find myself loathing my studies. I don't really mind what i study day-to-day, and I don't mind working hard. I like the people. But the more I'm consumed by this studies (and I am) the less I have time to give of myself. I feel like the only thing I have to show for the last 2 to 3 years is a healthy bank account. Apart from a few exceptions, I don't feel like my existence since moving to chitoor has done anybody much good at all. I don't plan fun weekend trips like I used to because I am never sure whether I'm going to have to cancel at the last minute because of busy schedule in college (My poor attendance percentage pays ). I can't commit to help a friend move or take somebody in emergency again, I never know whether I'll have to cancel.

I just can't be happy when I'm living my life selfishly.

It's also probably why I constantly find myself attracted to needy guys. If they're fully put together, I don't feel like I can offer them anything. To give and take in equal amounts feels TO ME like I'm a net drain on the relationship. I'm happiest when I'm giving more than I'm taking. So I go for poorer guys, guys with crappy/unhappy things, guys with family issues. Older, richer, successful, fulfilled guys don't NEED me. And I feel like if somebody needs me for some reason, they'll appreciate having me, and that will make me happy. (Aside: I realize I should learn to just let myself be loved, to be happy being equal, to be willing to let myself be taken care of...but this post isn't about that. .. Im just figuring out the issues)

What made me realize this about myself is something very simple that happened this week. I have a friend who needs help finding a shelter. I had a bit of time, so I started searching and found a couple things and sent him the info. He was so excited and so appreciative! I had been kinda in the dumps lately, and hadn't found anything very effective to pull me out. But when I read his text saying "Aw! Thanks Bachi!" I got such an incredible natural high, and realized "This is it! This is what makes me happiest!" It had been so long since I'd done anything that would make somebody appreciate me that I'd forgotten how good it feels. The sudden, immediate and lasting improvement in my mood was just like a drug. All it took was a simple favor, and a simple "thank you", and I was back to my normal happy self. It's not a cure-all, but it sure helped.

So, now that I know this, I'm not sure what it means going forward. But it's a good thing to have figured out