Im Confused

The thoughts I have are really messed up, and they change around a lot. I am very confused with what to do. I am looking for a natural method to do this but everything I am reading says take this but don't mix with anything else, or take this but take with that and there are just so many I don't know what to start with. I haven't tried swallowing pills in a while and I get anxious about that... which makes me feel more doubt about being able to because of the physical symptoms which is why I haven't tried things like homeopathic things.. I am just too on edge to swallow pills, but I know that is in my head and I would probably be able to if I just let myself relax [heh]

I need something to write, I feel like I am losing my mind. I can't go through a single day without my head racing with either totally weird things or just constant thinking [like talking to myself in my head usually]. I am trying to hard and everyone around me keeps saying that I'm doing so well and I'm trying but every morning I wake up after a fitful night of very little sleep and everything hurts and I want to hide in the blankets forever and just die there. I force myself to get dressed and get up though I have not much to get up for [professionally speaking]. & I try to fill my day doing things that aren't just sitting around because I've had tendencies to do that in the past. It's like anxieties and fears keep filling up and one worry never fully goes away. I don't know what the point of living is going to be if I can't even think and feel like a normal person.

So often I just wish things were like they were before, but before was the same. I was always either depressed, or suffering social anxiety, or suffering intrusive thoughts, or suffering from fear that __ was going to happen to me, and I am just so sick and tired of it. Why are there so few success stories out there to fill me with hope? I don't want to worry anymore. But this is me now...

I still smoke, I don't know how not to.

I know everyone has their problems. And I try to tell myself well at least I am not living on the side of the road or at least I still have hope deep down, and at leas tI have a supportive family and now i want a friend who keeps showing me she/he isn't going anywhere. & it's good enough to make me want to live through the day. but living within myself each day, having this stuff continuously run through my head.. as if I were some kind of monster. I am such a timid person. I don't even harm bugs. Why should I think such disgusting thoughts? I know we aren't supposed to question them. I know we are supposed to just stop being afraid of them.. I did that for a while, but they still came whenever they wanted to.

And here I am, begging for something to hold on to, begging for a reason to keep me going through each day, something to think about so I don't have to think about this.

I'm sorry this ended up being so full of frustration . There aren't many other places I can talk about this. I think my family feels I'm doing good, they don't want to hear about how crazy I feel. I envy them for having normalcy. This is shameful on my part.