Mental Health:
Like so many other young guys, I have thought A LOT about suicide. I still fall asleep at least twice a month thinking about it .if someone starngles me to death ill make it look like a suicide and have note in my pocket as "i hate my DNA" . Sometimes it just feels like it’d be better to die than have to deal with whatever might come. Of course, in any kind of rational moment, I realize that I have a better life than 99.999999999% of the population in most measures, and that suicide would just be ridiculous. (After all, if life is so bad that you’re ready to die, it can only get better!) I also sometimes think about whether and how I’d kill somebody who threatened to out me. Obviously I’d never actually do that either. But, still, having these thoughts at all are unhealthy. Coming out might not immediately solve the problem because of emotional scar . But I can at least begin to address the source of these thoughts honestly.
Deeper Relationships:
No matter how much anybody may know about me, nobody has ever yet known everything about me. I think vulnerability is necessary for truly loving relationships. I can’t expect to love or be loved unless I’m willing to surrender everything to that person. Putting aside romantic relationships, I feel like my wonderful parents and my best friends deserve to have that kind of relationship with me. It pains me to think how much I’ve held back from them. As much as my coming out might be a disappointment to them, it will ultimately seem like a gift because of how it will deepen their understanding of me and demonstrate how much I love and trust them. I will finally be able to share my excitement when I meet a gal I have a crush on. I will be able to share my thoughts about future . I will be able to share my heartache when it comes.
Basically, there will be people on Earth who actually know me! That’s exciting.
Learn About Myself:
“An unexamined life is not worth living.” I really don’t know a whole lot about myself. For example, I want to know whether I’m good. I know girls think I’m not, but it’s kind of irrelevant what they think. Also, maybe they’re judging me based on my brains or my manners or my ability to pay attention to other stuffs i dont care. Who knows what girls like? I want to know if guys find me good, because that’s what I actually care about. I don't really know what im. I don’t know whether I can flirt any ----. I don’t know whether I’d like to dress stylishly if I felt free to do so. I don’t know how I’d get along with others . I could keep this list going, but the point is that there are many things I don’t know about myself. And I’d like to start getting to know me. “Hello, how are you?”
The Future:
I’ve never really seriously considered the future from a place of honesty. I still entertain the vision of date with my favourite. Once I come out, there is no going back. So I can finally put that fantasy out of my head and consider my future as it really might be. I can think about if, who and when I want to m---y. I can think about what I want to do with my golden years and begin to plan for that. I can think about whether I actually want to try to get into my dream job, realizing what that would actually mean.
Freedom from Stereotypes:
True, many of the things I've listed above make it see them as though I intend to be a stereotypical "exhausted person" after I come out..college . Actually, one additional thing that makes me excited to come out is that I can finally come to believe that I do NOT have to live up to the stereoytpes once I come out. True, I would like to try the things listed above. But my own stereotypes will fall away as I realize I can be myself without doing those things if I don't want to. Fear of being over simplified keeps me from coming out. But once I come out, I anticipate feeling free to make my own place in the world without worrying about whether, how or where I fit in.
im not kinda pseudo.
Well, that’s all I can think of for now. I may add to it as I think of things. But I’d love to hear what you guys have to say.
