I'M NOT GREED

Jealousy

it's one thing that's hard to keep out of a relationship. especially when we were hurt once or even more from our previous relationships. so how is it to heal this particular sickness that usually causes relationship to end? if the answer is moving on, i've passed that. if the answer is time, it's been long enough but this feeling still comes and goes. i hate this feeling yet i've found no conclusion to not feel it every time it struck. truth is i hate being jealous all the time. it trully isn't healthy at all. ( jealousy exhausts heart) i feel so guilty because jealousy doesnt only hurt us, but it may also hurt the other participants. at the end, I'm finally out of words. because until this day, i'm still traumatized and haunted by most of my past relationships. therefore i just want to say i'm sorry if my jealousy ever hurt anybody, and i dedicate this song especially to 'you'. i'm sorry, but i can't help myself, i guess i still havent succeeded overcoming my fears of getting hurt or cheated again. i hope you'll understand how hard it is for me to forget all of my bad memories, and i hope you do notice that even though sometimes i still can be control by my jealousy, that behind all that i truly am trying the best i can to heal.

3 days I've waited
for your answer, love
every moment i hope
there's a miracle inside of you
how beautiful the past
scratch by my anger
jealousy exhausts heart
desolation now tortures me

come back, love
dont decide to leave me
even though i often hurt you
but you're the only one in my heart
oo.. forgive me
oo.. forgive my ego
oo.. forgive me

GrOwInG Up

as i walk alone this lonely street
with nothing but naked feet
through paths that was enchanting once
now i cant even see what it was
once felt so fun from every side
suddenly it all just died

i still can remember being young
being doctors til punks
learning from crawling to walking
my first splashing til swimming

where have gone all the good memories
when all we do was all about parties
eagerly to feel what the future held
now all i do is trying to sleep well on my bed

heavy burdens comes greater each day
my teenage years about to fade away
i used to dream being mature
playing dress up haute coutoure
now i stand alone with my two feet
walking independently through this street

i still can remember being young
being doctors til punks
learning from crawling to walking
my first splashing til swimming

where have gone all the good memories
when all we do was all about parties
eagerly to feel what the future held
now all i do is trying to sleep well on my bed

Instead Of Studying

I'm not sure if any of you shares this with me , but I've made a lot of discoveries (and self-discoveries [censored stuff :P]) while (not)studying for exams.

Let me give you some examples.

1) It was around 10 in the night and I had a external exam the next day... and I didnt know a thing! However, like always,while looking into the textbook, the words slowly began to dissolve .... and instead, really lively imagery started to fill the page.

I snapped out of it.... and saw a deck of cards lying on a shelf. And that was the night when I learn to build a card house. (sob, how I miss the days)

As expected, I scored really bad in the exam... but who cares, I can build a card house now!

2) I usually don't write poems... just that I've never been that interested in them. I think it was during the final exam of 3 year 1st semester, when one fine morning, I did write a poem. Thought I'd share it here.

Backdrop: I was sitting in my living room, studying (had a backache cuz I never studied on the study table...always on my bed, makes going to sleep a faster n more convenient process :D) .

I looked out the window, and I could see this tree that had recently blossomed with red flowers.

I can't really say why, but I wrote a poem on it! (of course, getting an excuse to not study could have been a huge source of motivation!).

Beauty or Vain ?

As red as the setting sun

In the twilight of dusk

Calm and serene

With the breeze kissing your tender petals

Reaching out from a bed of lush

With a show in full contrast

I see you on this clear day

Wanting to take in more

But forced to stop in my way

By the load on my very core

As time passes..

As my gaze falls upon you

I see the simplicity that is

Nature in its prime

Which we seldom stop to think about

Who said exams never tought anyone anything !!

MOM,Sorry For What I am!!!!!!!!!!!

note to my mom....

dear mom, i'm trapped in my own world.
there's nowhere to go, no where to run.
wish i could turn to you to hold.
yet your coercing nature burns me like sun

dear mom, i wish that you could see.
how your boyl is lost of hope.
he's trying to be the best that he can be.
yet you asked him to be a pseudo.

dear mom, i'm a boy with lots of dreams.
i know i caused yours unfulfilled.
i'm sorry to ruined your youth like it seems.
never knew being born was a burden i must carry as a guilt.

dear mom, i wish i was born because of love.
instead i was born as a matter of lack of responsibility.
every night i'd pray to mighty God above.
i wish i was born because i was wanted in my own family.

dear mom, we're different as you can see.
what you did does not assure it's what i'll do.
the mistake you did, you made it a reason to blame everything on me.
mom, i can be smart if you'd let me learn from my own mistakes too.

dear mom, this is not me saying i hate you.
yet you need to perceive how i'm half man with pride.
happiness was everything i tried to give you.
somehow my attempts slowly killing me from inside.

dear mom, i wish you taught me to be strong.
instead i'm weak and unable to say NO.
i'm not saying you've grown me wrong.
i just wished you weren't too hard, now i'm too low.

dear mom, i wish you could be my shoulder to cry.
the home you built calms not my heart.
you acted like you wanted know me, but you never try.
the thought of you can't accept my flaws tears me apart.

dear mom, i'm not perfect and you can't claim me to be.
i wish i could show you truly who this boy really is.
but i doubt your love would not grow less on me.
so much i envy others who knew how mother's love is likely bliss.

dear mom, i know my face looks like guy who's like redneck.
but that doesn't mean that i'll look as same in you.
though i'm angry at you at times, i'll still love you no matter what.
even when you bring me down to my worst,still i'll always cherish you.

dear mom, i've tried so hard to make you believe.
even with every inch of vice you may find out.
i'm sorry for your every demand i failed to achieve.
i cant replace your life i took, i'm just what i'm all about.

dear mom, i'm sorry that i'm still here and alive.
my heart broke into pieces when you asked me to -----.
i did lost a lot of happiness but it didn't end my life.
it was painful mom, i tried my best but it was not easy at all.

dear mom, forgive me for being so veiled.
i'm petrified for you to know me better.
i never meant to be so weak and so full of wail.
hoping you could see me happy to be myself someday later.

dear mom, i'm sorry for everything i did.
i wish you're someone who'd understand most of me.
i hope someday you'd appreciate the things i succeed.
mom, i hope you'd love me for whoever i may be.

dear mom, i'm sorry for everything i am.
i'm sorry for everything i couldn't be.
i wish i could be more than just your blame.
forgive me mom, i hope someday you could love me for me.

Jealousy

GrOwInG Up

Instead Of Studying

MOM,Sorry For What I am!!!!!!!!!!!

FALLING STAR