>>>>>>>>>????...

i have no words
Words will come.Words fill my head
, my heart fills with tears
.my eyes with pain,
my conscious with her memory
and then the words come.
The art that has always inspired me, in remembrance of her kindness- of the most true kind- keeps me moving, and thinking, and wanting to live more fully, more passionately.Without her- I am not me. Without us, There are no words to offer a broken heart, a kindred soul, a burning flame, a love so deep, only words in writing with paper and pen with intricate letters, spellings and curves of dots and lines- would make it suffice. Would keep the art she lived for alive, the passion, the drive, the intensity to gain a knowledge of that desire and a mind waiting to be fulfilled, wanting and insisting to enrapture. It will stay within us. It will be ours, something I know bringing comfort -that you knew what it was like , it is now ours. For the same kind of pens and books of empty papers were also yours - They wont become a has been as long as I remember the flame, it will go on. When I think there is no more to give- the words amazingly start to flow - to no avail, in not knowing where they come from my hand wont stop moving and writing, something it never thought it could do. Just as I thought I was about to give up, she pushes and I feel her here with me and she is here telling me to live. She is strong writing these words for me, and the tears don't stop, and the flow keeps going and I am scared because I don't know where they are coming from, and the pain and hunger in my stomach is curling now but I am told to ignore it and keep fulfilling. One day, just one day...The power that is in those words start to subside and the passion remains. It is a command I cannot ignore. I will keep going for her, and for me. It will be. It is meant, and I surrender..to you.Thank you.

OlD FrIeNds .....

When I was a little boy, before I decided I wanted to try out public high school simply to become a good student, I went to a private school in T.nagar where I made a number of friends

I started at this particular school in kindergarten, and suffered through the painfully unattractive uniforms (of which I tried, unsuccessfully, to jazz up with sparkly and lacy cutoff leggings…), through the 8th class. I had always intended on finishing my schooling there, and I really loved it, but during the summer between 7th and 8th class, a friend convinced me to go to summer camp. Though terrified, I left home for the very first time (for 4 weeks!), and, despite my concern that I’d hate being away from home and cry daily like the homesick fool that I know I have it in me to be…I wound up having the best summer of my life.

Though I’d been wildly unaware, the desire must have been growing inside of me for quite some time because that was all it took to motivate me to switch schools. It made me crave something bigger. A wider variety of classes, new friends, big school dances, and of course, cheerleading in metro culturals. I had to the make the switch—I knew it was then, or never. And so, with just a few weeks of summer left before the start of the school year, my mom pulled me out of that school and enrolled in chittoor. The same high school my cousin attended many, many, many years prior (they’ll love me for that one!).

I was paralyzed with fear, and after my first day I was positive I’d made the wrong choice. After all, the friends I’d made at this school in chittoor(VDEM) were like scared-skin to me—I’d known them practically from then. And now…now I was the outsider with the funny clothes – What did they expect? I’d spent a lifetime wearing plaid jumpers and Monogrammed shirts!

I digress. A few months later, high school began to go just fine.It was all a great experience to say the least. But the one thing I missed dearly from my old school days were my family-like friends. It was hard to stay in touch. We were young, and our lives revolved around school, and the people in our immediate proximity. We didn’t drive yet, and our houses were all so far apart. I missed my best friend, desperately, but life just seemed to spiral on, and soon we lost toucjh in talking altogether. Not because of a fight, or anything bad. Our lives just went in different directions.

But last night, after 7-8 years, Harish and I got together for dinner . And we had the BEST time. We’d been trying to coordinate our schedules to get together since I moved , and we were having a hard time making it happen. Then, SUPER coincidentally, last time I ran into him and his mom in his apartment complex! There are cute shops and restaurants in his area, and we all happened to be walking around at the same time. None of us could believe it, and we decided it was fate giving us a good kick .

We sat for 4 hours catching up, laughing, eating good food, and becoming part of each other’s lives all over again. It was incredible—truly heartwarming—to know that a friend who made such an impact on my childhood, someone who I adored so much and spent so much concentrated time with, has turned into an amazing man who I still enjoy just as much. We picked up right where we left off (minus the braces and bad ----), and delved back into each other’s worlds with vigor and heart. There’s something so refreshing and real about spending time with friends who knew you back when, before you lost sight of your true self and starting trying to “grow up” and continuously transform yourself.

When we were finally ready to leave the restaurant, we walked out together and saw we’d parked in the exact same lot, right next to one another. Another crazy coincidence letting us know, once again, that despite the years passed and our different schooling and adult-life adventures, our friendship was, and still is, meant to be.

It WiLl JuSt HaPpEn

Its the beginning of an end. The firstweek of August. Nearing end of summer. The beginning of... ( try and complete the sentence. do it for yourself).Everyday can be a new beginning. As cliche as it sounds- it is true. I find that once you make a decision, everything around you seems to revolve or contribute around that decision. In the cosmos, the world will favor you. Just have a positive outlook. Nothing is impossible. This can be dangerous for stubborn people like me. I believe in this, therefore if something is not happening the way I want it to- I force it, and I end up getting hurt and dissapointed. So I have decided to just let the earth work without trying to worry too much. Ultimately, I do not have the control. Lets learn to just let it be.

NeVeR In MoDeRaTiOn

Im feeling very jealous... Of myself.

I read my previous posts and realized... where did this boy go? Where have I been? Has the wind taken me far enough that I have forgotten? Did I really write all that?

And I envy dedication to writing of some people and itll be my foolishness wondering to be like them. Time does have a way of sweeping you up- the difference is recognzing when and how and why. Upon coming back down- your perspective is always different. Isnt life so weird and beautiful at the same time?

I do love to write. It seems natural for me to write everyday without heistation. I feel as though once I stop writing- I stop have a lust for knowledge and the desire to learn becomes somehow less. I fail to notice the things that I would normally write about. I fail to notice the culture and life around me as I used to ..-- because writing is truly a vehicle of expressing that which you cannot put into everyday talk. I dont want to just become part of the mundane everyday existance but I thrive being on the outside looking in. What Im trying to say is- writing allows me look at the world in a different light. Because I know that later on, I can document it all.. put it in symbols and words that I wouldnt have usually come up with if I didnt have the anticipation to come home and write about it.

Okay thats enough writing about writing. You get my drift.

Months gone by, and again I sit here wondering how it all happened. Where am I going. Where is this world taking me. Is is really up to me to propel it? Or am I still waiting on some miracle to just fall in my lap?

Wake up calls all around me. I often feel I am in a constant daze. Maybe I am not drinking enough coffee.

CrIsIs Of FaItH....

Here is something I wrote yesterday when i was asked to write some article for my kollege news letter:

Life is a big mystery. Been feeling inspired lately and cant shake the questions. - If there were no life or existance, What is there? What is the point of it all? to serve God? If so- What does God Want? To be a good person to yourself and to others? ...Then why is it that not everyone can follow the same rules of a dogmatic religion? Its impossible. We are all created with individual characteristics, heritage, genes, and circumstances. How is it that we are all supposed to follow one formula? It doesnt make logical sense. I was brought up to always think there are rules and guidelines as to how to be a successful person on this journey called life. I was always told how I was to function in order to secure success. I always struggled with trying to make myself believe... But Belieiveing is also, Hard to believe.

Where does ones beliefs derive? From whcih ever they do. are they universal? -- regardless of whatever is worldly attached to that person?

I want to go with the easy answer to what I have always known. To learn about the techings of the prophets in Christianity, and to just read the Bible. So my heart can find rest. Yet- there are so many questions.

At some point, one must choose to believe in something- but if that belief doesnt adhere to a specific religion , does that mean that person is doomed to hell? God cannot be a cruel creator, we are his creations, yet we have the choice. The "free will" etc......We are not the ultimate judges, I suppose.

It is a persons choice to look outside themselves and find whatever it is they are looking for. We cannot be force fed a prescription medication. A one way ticket.

Diversity is what makes us human. Its what makes culture. We ALL have a story to tell. Without that story, life would be fruitless/hum drum.

Without all the things that human beings latch onto to give us an identity we are no body. Its like the movie about the boy who goes into the wild and leaves all his belongings and family behind him. In the end he found that Happiness is not real unless it is shared.

Those things are important. And the balance of the material, physical, metaphysical etc. is essential to our discovery about the journey that we are all destined to take., to live.

To say that worldly things are meaningless is ignorant. It is a cop out for the immature person who wants to take the easy way out. – Whichever way it would suit him or her. Those things would not exist if they were not important for our growth. Everything has a purpose? A reason?

The human capacity to THINK, FEEL, ACT, CREATE, AND TRANSFORM is immense. We are all given that ability. The proof lies with in a physical cat scan of our brain. And- we only really use a small part of it.

Sit on it.

Chao for now