I'M NOT GREED: 02/01/2009

Perdition (Haiku)

walk in the night following the moon
I turn to look at my steps
Hearing a rolling noise far away
Which makes me feel frightened

The wide shadows of the trees
draw dark figures along the path
And I myself with my big steps
Try not to destroy them

I lost my soul that night
I'm looking forward to finding it
I lost my soul that night
I'm afraid of dying, I feel alone
I lost my soul that night, like visions of (a) brave world

with a ray of hope that ill again lose it to a Gal

Lonely warrior - take a break...

Confusion Doesnt stop me thinking of death again'

I decided to delete the post on Altruist coz it ate space and moreover i dint like publishing Ayn Rand work in MY blog though he's my favorite. so now im back thinking about DEATH.

so,

Do you believe in life after death?

Too often I find that the subject of death is addressed with goofy speculation, close-minded stubbornness, or outright fear and avoidance. So let's bypass the "Death for Dummies" approach and take a deeper intellectual look at death to better understand the important role it plays in our lives... and especially what it can teach us about how to live.

As far as our human bodies are concerned, death eventually captures all of us. As far as I can tell, no human being has yet managed to live forever. Even if we evolve new silicon bodies for ourselves and find a way to transfer our minds into them, there's no reason to believe those bodies will be immortal either (even with frequent upgrades). We may be able to delay death, perhaps even for a very long time, but eventually our physical existence will end at some point. Forever is too long for us to last as physical beings. No infinity of time

And here's the worst part. You don't even know when you'll die (unless you're reading this right before committing suicide, in which case I'd better keep writing). But my guess is that you don't have an item labeled "die" on your to do list.

So how comfortable do you feel with the idea that today might be your last day alive?

All your physical stuff stays here. Whenever someone dies, we notice that their stuff remains in the physical world. It doesn't suddenly vanish.

Another thing we notice is that our physical bodies stay here. That includes our heart, lungs, brain etc

Do you Love your DNA Still?(think if it has a relation)

Im Here For You

Dear,

Turn to Me in your loneliness. I love you dearly, and I am there for you anytime, all the time. I am your constant companion, your best friend.

When you feel like no one cares and there is no love to be found, that is the time to lie back in My arms and find peace. When you are discouraged and feel like a mess, look into My face and see Me smile upon you, for I love you just the way you are. When you feel worried or frustrated, run to Me. I will be your perfect companion. When you feel that no one can possibly understand the difficulties you are passing through, that is the time to run to Me. I always understand. Set your affections on Me, and I will fill your every need.

In those special times together, our love will grow stronger and our relationship deeper than any earthly love or relationship could ever be. From this oneness with Me will grow your greatest and most lasting happiness, fulfillment and contentment.

Love,

Santhosh sagar N

Jealousy

it's one thing that's hard to keep out of a relationship. especially when we were hurt once or even more from our previous relationships. so how is it to heal this particular sickness that usually causes relationship to end? if the answer is moving on, i've passed that. if the answer is time, it's been long enough but this feeling still comes and goes. i hate this feeling yet i've found no conclusion to not feel it every time it struck. truth is i hate being jealous all the time. it trully isn't healthy at all. ( jealousy exhausts heart) i feel so guilty because jealousy doesnt only hurt us, but it may also hurt the other participants. at the end, I'm finally out of words. because until this day, i'm still traumatized and haunted by most of my past relationships. therefore i just want to say i'm sorry if my jealousy ever hurt anybody, and i dedicate this song especially to 'you'. i'm sorry, but i can't help myself, i guess i still havent succeeded overcoming my fears of getting hurt or cheated again. i hope you'll understand how hard it is for me to forget all of my bad memories, and i hope you do notice that even though sometimes i still can be control by my jealousy, that behind all that i truly am trying the best i can to heal.

3 days I've waited
for your answer, love
every moment i hope
there's a miracle inside of you
how beautiful the past
scratch by my anger
jealousy exhausts heart
desolation now tortures me

come back, love
dont decide to leave me
even though i often hurt you
but you're the only one in my heart
oo.. forgive me
oo.. forgive my ego
oo.. forgive me

GrOwInG Up

as i walk alone this lonely street
with nothing but naked feet
through paths that was enchanting once
now i cant even see what it was
once felt so fun from every side
suddenly it all just died

i still can remember being young
being doctors til punks
learning from crawling to walking
my first splashing til swimming

where have gone all the good memories
when all we do was all about parties
eagerly to feel what the future held
now all i do is trying to sleep well on my bed

heavy burdens comes greater each day
my teenage years about to fade away
i used to dream being mature
playing dress up haute coutoure
now i stand alone with my two feet
walking independently through this street

i still can remember being young
being doctors til punks
learning from crawling to walking
my first splashing til swimming

where have gone all the good memories
when all we do was all about parties
eagerly to feel what the future held
now all i do is trying to sleep well on my bed

Instead Of Studying

I'm not sure if any of you shares this with me , but I've made a lot of discoveries (and self-discoveries [censored stuff :P]) while (not)studying for exams.

Let me give you some examples.

1) It was around 10 in the night and I had a external exam the next day... and I didnt know a thing! However, like always,while looking into the textbook, the words slowly began to dissolve .... and instead, really lively imagery started to fill the page.

I snapped out of it.... and saw a deck of cards lying on a shelf. And that was the night when I learn to build a card house. (sob, how I miss the days)

As expected, I scored really bad in the exam... but who cares, I can build a card house now!

2) I usually don't write poems... just that I've never been that interested in them. I think it was during the final exam of 3 year 1st semester, when one fine morning, I did write a poem. Thought I'd share it here.

Backdrop: I was sitting in my living room, studying (had a backache cuz I never studied on the study table...always on my bed, makes going to sleep a faster n more convenient process :D) .

I looked out the window, and I could see this tree that had recently blossomed with red flowers.

I can't really say why, but I wrote a poem on it! (of course, getting an excuse to not study could have been a huge source of motivation!).

Beauty or Vain ?

As red as the setting sun

In the twilight of dusk

Calm and serene

With the breeze kissing your tender petals

Reaching out from a bed of lush

With a show in full contrast

I see you on this clear day

Wanting to take in more

But forced to stop in my way

By the load on my very core

As time passes..

As my gaze falls upon you

I see the simplicity that is

Nature in its prime

Which we seldom stop to think about

Who said exams never tought anyone anything !!

MOM,Sorry For What I am!!!!!!!!!!!

note to my mom....

dear mom, i'm trapped in my own world.
there's nowhere to go, no where to run.
wish i could turn to you to hold.
yet your coercing nature burns me like sun

dear mom, i wish that you could see.
how your boyl is lost of hope.
he's trying to be the best that he can be.
yet you asked him to be a pseudo.

dear mom, i'm a boy with lots of dreams.
i know i caused yours unfulfilled.
i'm sorry to ruined your youth like it seems.
never knew being born was a burden i must carry as a guilt.

dear mom, i wish i was born because of love.
instead i was born as a matter of lack of responsibility.
every night i'd pray to mighty God above.
i wish i was born because i was wanted in my own family.

dear mom, we're different as you can see.
what you did does not assure it's what i'll do.
the mistake you did, you made it a reason to blame everything on me.
mom, i can be smart if you'd let me learn from my own mistakes too.

dear mom, this is not me saying i hate you.
yet you need to perceive how i'm half man with pride.
happiness was everything i tried to give you.
somehow my attempts slowly killing me from inside.

dear mom, i wish you taught me to be strong.
instead i'm weak and unable to say NO.
i'm not saying you've grown me wrong.
i just wished you weren't too hard, now i'm too low.

dear mom, i wish you could be my shoulder to cry.
the home you built calms not my heart.
you acted like you wanted know me, but you never try.
the thought of you can't accept my flaws tears me apart.

dear mom, i'm not perfect and you can't claim me to be.
i wish i could show you truly who this boy really is.
but i doubt your love would not grow less on me.
so much i envy others who knew how mother's love is likely bliss.

dear mom, i know my face looks like guy who's like redneck.
but that doesn't mean that i'll look as same in you.
though i'm angry at you at times, i'll still love you no matter what.
even when you bring me down to my worst,still i'll always cherish you.

dear mom, i've tried so hard to make you believe.
even with every inch of vice you may find out.
i'm sorry for your every demand i failed to achieve.
i cant replace your life i took, i'm just what i'm all about.

dear mom, i'm sorry that i'm still here and alive.
my heart broke into pieces when you asked me to -----.
i did lost a lot of happiness but it didn't end my life.
it was painful mom, i tried my best but it was not easy at all.

dear mom, forgive me for being so veiled.
i'm petrified for you to know me better.
i never meant to be so weak and so full of wail.
hoping you could see me happy to be myself someday later.

dear mom, i'm sorry for everything i did.
i wish you're someone who'd understand most of me.
i hope someday you'd appreciate the things i succeed.
mom, i hope you'd love me for whoever i may be.

dear mom, i'm sorry for everything i am.
i'm sorry for everything i couldn't be.
i wish i could be more than just your blame.
forgive me mom, i hope someday you could love me for me.

Carbon Based Life Form

The amount of paperwork that I do is unbelievable. It is almost like a joke.

Today, for example, I spent three hours doing paperwork. That’s 60 x 60 x 3 seconds (you do the math, because I have a bit of paperwork to do). When I am doing my paperwork, I sometimes imagine my heart beating in my chest, and this makes me very sad, because I know that the human heart has but a finite number of beats allotted to it, and at least 60 x 60 x 3 of my heartbeats were just spent making little squiggles (that nobody ever reads) onto a pad of carbon-copy paper (that nobody ever reads).

Often, when I am making my precious squiggles, tiny teardrops fall from my eyes and form little puddles on my pad. This is typically when I fly into a rage, because it means that I have to rip out the original page and its duplicate and begin my squiggles all over again. I start wondering if this is how serial killers get their inspiration, and I make a mental note to Google “Serial killer” and “squiggle” when I get home.

I know that I am making it seem as if these squiggles are worthless, but my very livelihood depends on whether or not I make them each week. It would not be a great leap of the imagination to say that, if I were to refuse to write my squiggles, I would soon starve and have to wander about naked on the streets. You’d think that, if I were starving and naked, I would just stay put in my apartment, but no. I wouldn’t.

I know that I should be engaged in other, more worthwhile pursuits – like finding love or chasing my dreams. But again, no. When the choice came between “living your life” and “making squiggles,” I went for the option that included the word “squiggles.” So, when people gather around my deathbed 40-50 years from now and say to me, “Did you have a good life santhosh? And by the way, where do you keep the spice?”, I will say, “No. Life was a long, drawn-out, sickening struggle. And there was never enough --------. But you know what? I always got my squiggles in on time. The Doritos should be in the cupboard.”

Then I will exhale a great breath, and my eyes will become fixed on some point in the distance. People will say, “I think he’s gone now.” But I won’t be. It’s just a game that I like to play with them. Instead, I will be thinking of my ----- (especially the kind with little bits of fruit inside it).

Sorrow and Love.....Yeah,they have a relation.

The purpose of human birth is to live a life full of love for all. No joy is greater than that of loving others. wealth, acquiring property, fame, bedecking oneself give but transient pleasure, not any sense of fullness. The happiness that spread through our inner being is the happiness of loving others. When we love others we are not conscious of our suffering, the physical exertion we make and the money we spend: indeed the joy of loving gives us a transcendent feeling. A life in which there is no love for others is a life lived in vain.

I said that when we love a person we forget our sorrows. But one day, at last, it may be that the object of our love itself becomes the cause of great sorrow. One day the person we love leaves us forever-or one day we will leave her forever. "Oh Shehas left me forever"-"O I am leaving Her for ever": we lament in this manner. We feel disturbed when we realize that all the happiness that love gave us has at last proved to be a lie and ended in sorrow. "Is the final outcome of love then sorrow? "we ask ourselves in agitation. The greater our love for a person the more intense our grief when she is separated from us forever. We may then even wonder whether a life without love, a life of selfishness or a life of insensibility would be better. One leading such a life will not be affected by being separated from her affection.

[The problem then is]: Our love for others ends in sorrow. However, if there is no love there is no meaning in life. What is the solution to this problem? We must create such love as will never change, love that will be enduring. our love must never become separated from us, never desert us. If there were such a person and if we dedicate all our love to her,/him, we would never be separated from one another- there would be everlasting fullness.

To explain, we must love the One Who never changes. Who is that?(Very hard to get right?) .

The question arises: If one is to love (particular person) that never perishes, does it mean that we must not love anyone else, that we must not love others because they will perish one day? No,If my love is only for her it keeps growing the truth will dawn on her that there is no one or nothing other than she. All those whom we loved, all those who caused us sorrow by being separated from us, they too will seem to us the imperishable ...........

I WON A LOVE

I've lost my friend but I've won a love,
if I get problems you're a helping hand,
so the story finished with a happy end -
I've lost my friend but I've won a love.

Do you remember the time
when you said you are my friend,
when our feeling together got high,
when we thought we could fly?

We both dreamed of the sky,
and we both were too shy,
we both felt this feeling of coming out,
but it seems it wasn't enough.

As we didn't try to take the next step
in our hearts there grew a gap
and as for filling it we saw no chance,
we decided to stay just good friends.

My heart wants me to be with you but I can't
'cause if I would try I could also lose you,
it's a step back but I can understand
that you will help me - you're my best friend.

I've lost my friend but I've won a love
and that hurts after this way we went.
I know it but my heart doesn't understand
that I've lost my friend but I've won a love.

I LOST HER

On December 26, 2004 I got a call from the brother of a man that I loved and that I will always. I asked him how he is doing and he said "not good." I asked him what happened and he said "Haritha is no more." I fell to my knees with sorrow.

The times that I spent with her were great and bad. She told me once that she was not going to live past 18 years old and that she was going to die alone. I always told her that's not true. You are going to live a long life and we will be as friends forever....hmmmm she's dead and today is her birthday

She is my best chum in my school days. She was a good soft spoken gal. She was talented and intelligent. She could see people for who they really were. She could tell if you were a dishonest person. She was kind and gentle and funny.

I remember one time she gave a homeless man a hamburger and 50 rupees. I also remember one time I got so angry about something and she just giggled and said in a soft voice "Hey, calm down calm down it's ok." I was so stubborn to see her efforts for me.you guys wouldnt have seen me as a good blogger now without her assistance.Though Im a chauvanist i have strong belief that she is my boss. I always demanded more from her than she could give. The last time I heard her voice was on a phone and all she said was "I miss you man." I miss her feel for me and I miss her laugh . I miss seeing her beside me. She knew how to dance and I love to see that.

I LOST HER , CAN YOU GET HER BACK FOR ME?

Is That You Made Me Cry?....So,here I Go

See the sadness in my eyes? I'll make you cry

Look upon the daggers that have broken my frail soul

To shine with in the darkness and allow my pain to take its toll.

I begged you for your mercy but all you gave me were bloody hands.

I pushed away the darkness in hopes my light would start to expand

The blood is suffocating me and I'm drowning in its lies

How could you let me fall like this into the blood red tied

I'm sorry if you think i hurt you, I'll carry that each day

But bring your hands back to me and help me feel today

I'm reaching out but your not pulling in

dose this mean your the one to win

Look into my death filled eyes and tell me what you see

Did you really think you and i were meant to be

I'll dump you when you reach back for me once again

You never really cared for me i see it was only pretend

so back away and leave me to die

as the blood stained tears fall from my eyes

I'll call to you in spirit and I'll haunt you every night

You'll kill your self in pity and I'll laugh at how I'm right

So watch me fall away again and I'll kiss you good-bye

If only you hadn't let me die

I'd still come back to you

But now its to0 late for you and I'll see what you'll do

I'll laugh in your pathetic pain and let you feel my pain

You think that you knew me well, or did you go insane

For now i'll leave you broken in two and crash apart your heart

If you had just been there for me this wouldn't be the start

of a painful gasp of air that you take into your lungs

My eyes light up with bliss and I'll taste you with my tongue

Good-bye to you. what a said and pitiful end

you should have just told me the truth instead of playing pretend

The World I Want To live In

I'm not sure if "deserving" happiness is the best way to think about it. I'd ask yourself, what is achieved by forgoing happiness in your life? Does it make the situation of people in your area better if you are not happy? If you are happy, does it make the situation of suffering people in your areaworse?

In a way, it's a very self-centered idea that martyring ourselves (even emotionally) will make everyone else's life better. People who worry about surviving the trip to the market are totally and completely unaffected by whether you allow yourself to be happy. To think that feeling miserable is a moral response to the suffering of others is to buy into a weird mix of low self-esteem and high self-importance: your misery does nothing to alleviate other's suffering.

If the real importance of the question is not about what you "deserve" to feel, but rather whether it's morally or ethically acceptable to take actions that will make yourself happy at the expense of potentially taking actions that will make you less happy but could increase the happiness of others--well, that's a tougher question. First, I'd want to know whether making yourself happy really comes at the expense of doing something to make someone else happy. (If you forgo a nice vacation because other people in the world are suffering, it isn't really that your vacation comes at the expense of others in the world who are suffering. See above paragraph: people everywhere are wrapped up in their own lives, and the personal experiences of one person very very rarely have any sort of effect on others perceptions of their own situation.) Second, if *you* have no right to happiness when others suffer, then what right do people have to happiness when you aren't happy? That line of thinking, taken to its logical conclusion, would imply that the best world is where no one deserves happiness. That's not a world I want to live in, and I doubt it's the sort of world that you really want either.

Language of Love begins In Silence

I am here My friend. It is just as I promised it would be. We are alone in the silence of Adoration. I have come to bring you new life in My Love. You are Mine now and forever more. What do those words truly mean?

I am ----, speaking to you
through the power of My Spirit.

To be Mine means you have given yourself freely to Me. You have willed yourself to Me. This is no fantasy. It is your reality. As you have chosen to be Mine, I accept this gift of you. As I do so, I lift you out of your humanity and carry you to the timeless place in My Heart that I have prepared for you. I fill you with My love.

You feel nothing but a strange silence as if everything has stopped. That is because in My world time does not exist. It is silent, totally silent. My Language of Love begins in silence. From this point on as you listen to My words and write them on your hand held computer, you begin taking baby steps in My Love.

shit,pause

You paused for a few moments. It was My desire that you do so. I wish you to see that it is I, ----, can controls these interactions. You write My words because that is My will for you to do so. Our wills are One in the Love of My Most Spirit. You are not a slave and I am not your Master. We are friends who freely choose to be with each other in Love.

Now and forever more simply means beyond time. It is forever. You have no words in your language to express this clearly. What it truly means is that this moment of silent repose in My Heart is eternity for you.
Time stops. It is meaningless to Me. I am infinite. There is nothing that compares to infinity. There are no guidelines. There just is!

You really will never understand this with your mind. It is something that you just experience. It is a state of being. Whatever it means in your language can never do justice to life in My Love. Your humanity is so limited. Do not fret. In My Love all of this verbiage is meaningless.

Love is Great. There is nothing else. Your LOVE may end, It is mortal. My LOVE is immortal.
though I have guts to propose ,I still have a fear of rejection for which i dont have enough strength to bear the sourness. ------------what do i do?

Welcome to My World of Love! You are Mine now and forever more.

what a coward Im?

Oh, yes, I’m a coward. I’m terrified that if I do something new, step outside my comfort zone, or speak up too much, people will verbally rip me to shreds.

Now any of you who have ever seen me singing or speaking are probably wondering what the heck I’m talking about! After all, I get up there and tell you about my flaws as a human being and as a writer.

The thing is, I think I’m not the only one who gets scared or has self-doubts. I suspect I’m not the only one who can’t stand the thought of someone making fun of me or criticizing what I love best. And that’s why I share what I share. Because I don’t want anyone else ever to feel alone with the self-doubts or fears or worries we all have, in one form or another.

No matter what we do or how well we do it, someone will always be dissatisfied. No matter how nice we are, there will always be someone we rub the wrong way.

That’s important to understand because otherwise it’s too easy to let fear keep us from doing what we want to do or what we need to do to create the lives we want to have. It’s important to understand that not taking those steps doesn’t protect us—not really.

I’ve tried it both ways, you see. For much of my adult life I tried to play it safe. I tried to fit into the roles others expected of me. I tried to be as invisible, except for something . I made choices that I thought would keep me safe. Until I couldn’t do it anymore.

Looking back, I can see that these choices, little by little, not only ate away at who I was, but one by one eliminated options I might otherwise have had. These choices didn’t keep me safe. I still got criticized. All I did was cut myself from knowing what I truly could achieve. I cut myself off from knowing people who would have valued who I was and what I did. I cut myself off from experiences that would have enriched my life in so many ways!

I try not to play it safe anymore, but I’m still working on breaking old patterns. I’m still learning how to handle criticism so that one dissatisfied voice doesn’t have the power to drown out all the voices of those who do respect and value what I do. I’m learning the things that make stepping outside my comfort zone a little easier and that I can survive even if something doesn’t go as well as I hoped it would. I’m discovering the good things that can come into my life when I take the risk of doing something that scares me but which will move me closer to my goals.
It isn’t easy putting myself out there when I am such a coward, but it beats the heck out of trying to play it safe! So....

A few things that make it a little easier for me to stretch outside my comfort zone:
--> Asking for support from friends or family
--> Mentally rehearsing what I’m going to do

It can be scary to do new things but I truly believe that the riskiest thing we can do in life is try to play things too safe, especially when our world is changing so rapidly.

So I’m raising a virtual toast to all of you out there who are finding the courage to step outside your comfort zone and do new things. Because as scary as it can be, it’s worth it.

Steps

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
-Confucius

Okay. Fair enough. But what if you just don't know in which direction you're supposed to take that initial stride?

Do you ever feel like you're not living at your greatest potential? Like you're not really being challenged, or rather, that you're no longer challenging yourself? You've grown complacent and you know you need to shake things up, but aren't totally sure what elements need shaking?

But over the past few months, something terrible has happened: I got comfortable. Once uncharted, bumpy terrain has since become smoothed over and well mapped out. This isn't so terrible - in fact, it's quite nice to figure out your way, and travel down the path in peace. But what happens when you no longer feel like traveling? You're bored with the trail and need new scenery and adventures to inspire you?

I'm ready for a change. I just don't know what it is. Is it a total overhaul of career? Lifestyle? Or something more minor like taking up a new creative hobby or spending more time with friends?

I watch others around me accomplishing, completing, working towards and becoming. And I wonder, why am I not doing the same? For a time I was truly on fire. I was being assigned more work than I could handle, breaking into magazines that as a child I dreamed of one day writing for, excelling at dance and finding pleasure in activities like cricket and City exploring. But right at this moment, I feel I've lost it. I'm not exactly sure what 'it' is, or where it could have gone. All I know is that 'it's' not here. And I miss 'it'.

While I realize we can't operate at a level of 100 percent potential all the time - hello, burnout - I am the type of person who is happiest when she is achieving. Learning new things. Going beyond her limits and proving to herself, and all those around her, that she's capable of so much more than people (self included) give her credit for. I can look into my future and see the woman I want to become...but I'm not sure how to get there; how to grow into her. And though I've traveled daunting, weary paths before, this one feels wholly intimidating. Perhaps that's why I've yet to set foot on the trail and take that first, single step?

There are so many things I want to do, but not sure how to begin - all it takes is one step. One single step. How can I remember this and believe it; act on it?

Maybe I could begin with any of these: I want to relate with others. Maybe even spend a month abroad somewhere living, absorbing new cultures and human interactions. I want to find a rustic hideaway in this noisy, swarming city where I can take refuge and recharge. I want to regain the endurance and perseverence that characterized the early stages of mine. I need to sit by an ocean and feel the rumbling waves. I want to dig my toes deep into the sand and feel its granules slough away my deadened skin; wear away my despondency. I want to rockclimb and hike. I want to bask in the Earth's natural beauty. I want to jog 10 miles, just to prove to myself I can do it. I want to learn to cook. Take up yoga and delve back into spirituality. Build bonds with other like-minded people. Spend some time in the desert with nothing but my computer and write, write, write - even if it's shit, I just need to creatively express. I need to listen to my needs and fulfill them.

We Are What We Think

We are what we think.

Never have truer words been spoken. What so many people fail to comprehend is that we create our realities. What is the difference between our inner thoughts and the world surrounding us? Absolutely nothing.

I know many people who expect misfortune in their lives. They claim that they are "unlucky" and use the bad things that happen to them as reinforcement for their pessimistic views. even me some times say for myself "Nothing good ever happens to me, this is just my lot in life." How irresponsible!

Each of us is in control of our lives. We have the power and ability to make our lives great. By the same token, we have the power and ability to make our lives suck. When we blame the negative things that happen to us on external factors such as "bad luck" or one's "lot in life," we are merely passing blame; removing the accountability from ourselves (the rightful owners) to something completely intangible.

I know this is a difficult concept to grasp because we are so used to the idea that what happens in our mind is independent of what happens in our environment, but this is a fallacy. Once we realize how strong the power of thought/intention is, we can begin to change our lives.

Each morning when you wake up, plan out your day. Imagine what you want to accomplish, the way in which you want to act, the mood you want to be in, etc. Visualize yourself in all your activities excluding this mood and doing all the things you want and need to do. If you begin your day in this manner, often times, you will be shocked to find that your experiences match your your visualizations and thoughts(luck in your language). The power of intention is far greater than you realize.

As I always believe, we are the commanders in control of our lives. Through the power of thought - coupled with the power of action - we can change the direction of our lives any time we choose. I say go for it!

Our thoughts create our realities only if we go for it strongly. We are what we think.

"If you think it's going to rain, it will."

Im Confused

The thoughts I have are really messed up, and they change around a lot. I am very confused with what to do. I am looking for a natural method to do this but everything I am reading says take this but don't mix with anything else, or take this but take with that and there are just so many I don't know what to start with. I haven't tried swallowing pills in a while and I get anxious about that... which makes me feel more doubt about being able to because of the physical symptoms which is why I haven't tried things like homeopathic things.. I am just too on edge to swallow pills, but I know that is in my head and I would probably be able to if I just let myself relax [heh]

I need something to write, I feel like I am losing my mind. I can't go through a single day without my head racing with either totally weird things or just constant thinking [like talking to myself in my head usually]. I am trying to hard and everyone around me keeps saying that I'm doing so well and I'm trying but every morning I wake up after a fitful night of very little sleep and everything hurts and I want to hide in the blankets forever and just die there. I force myself to get dressed and get up though I have not much to get up for [professionally speaking]. & I try to fill my day doing things that aren't just sitting around because I've had tendencies to do that in the past. It's like anxieties and fears keep filling up and one worry never fully goes away. I don't know what the point of living is going to be if I can't even think and feel like a normal person.

So often I just wish things were like they were before, but before was the same. I was always either depressed, or suffering social anxiety, or suffering intrusive thoughts, or suffering from fear that __ was going to happen to me, and I am just so sick and tired of it. Why are there so few success stories out there to fill me with hope? I don't want to worry anymore. But this is me now...

I still smoke, I don't know how not to.

I know everyone has their problems. And I try to tell myself well at least I am not living on the side of the road or at least I still have hope deep down, and at leas tI have a supportive family and now i want a friend who keeps showing me she/he isn't going anywhere. & it's good enough to make me want to live through the day. but living within myself each day, having this stuff continuously run through my head.. as if I were some kind of monster. I am such a timid person. I don't even harm bugs. Why should I think such disgusting thoughts? I know we aren't supposed to question them. I know we are supposed to just stop being afraid of them.. I did that for a while, but they still came whenever they wanted to.

And here I am, begging for something to hold on to, begging for a reason to keep me going through each day, something to think about so I don't have to think about this.

I'm sorry this ended up being so full of frustration . There aren't many other places I can talk about this. I think my family feels I'm doing good, they don't want to hear about how crazy I feel. I envy them for having normalcy. This is shameful on my part.

This Is My Drug.

I've discovered that gratitude is like a drug to me. I thrive on it. I can't get enough of it. If I can find a way to do something for somebody I care about, and they are thankful, I am at my happiest. They don't even need to say it; I just need to know they appreciate it. As a result, I tend to feel my closest connections to those I'm helping. And I tend not to feel as connected to friends who are totally self-sufficient.

Don't get me wrong...I'm not trying to convey that I'm some altruistic saint. In fact, I'm saying the opposite: I do this stuff because I get a rush out of it. I'm not Mother Teresa or Ramana maharshi. For one thing, I don't get much from helping random strangers, although that is definitely nice sometimes. Rather, I find the greatest joy from doing things for people I already know (or want to know better). And I don't particularly need to perform great mountain-moving acts of sacrifice that change lives, although that would be cool. I just want to do little things that make people happy. I want to give people rides in emergency. I want to proofread an important application essay. I want to help somebody move a heavy piece of furniture. I want to host a fun weekend getaway. I want to help somebody resolve a personal problem.

I think this one little personality trait helps explains a lot about me, now that I think about it. It's a big part of the reason I find myself loathing my studies. I don't really mind what i study day-to-day, and I don't mind working hard. I like the people. But the more I'm consumed by this studies (and I am) the less I have time to give of myself. I feel like the only thing I have to show for the last 2 to 3 years is a healthy bank account. Apart from a few exceptions, I don't feel like my existence since moving to chitoor has done anybody much good at all. I don't plan fun weekend trips like I used to because I am never sure whether I'm going to have to cancel at the last minute because of busy schedule in college (My poor attendance percentage pays ). I can't commit to help a friend move or take somebody in emergency again, I never know whether I'll have to cancel.

I just can't be happy when I'm living my life selfishly.

It's also probably why I constantly find myself attracted to needy guys. If they're fully put together, I don't feel like I can offer them anything. To give and take in equal amounts feels TO ME like I'm a net drain on the relationship. I'm happiest when I'm giving more than I'm taking. So I go for poorer guys, guys with crappy/unhappy things, guys with family issues. Older, richer, successful, fulfilled guys don't NEED me. And I feel like if somebody needs me for some reason, they'll appreciate having me, and that will make me happy. (Aside: I realize I should learn to just let myself be loved, to be happy being equal, to be willing to let myself be taken care of...but this post isn't about that. .. Im just figuring out the issues)

What made me realize this about myself is something very simple that happened this week. I have a friend who needs help finding a shelter. I had a bit of time, so I started searching and found a couple things and sent him the info. He was so excited and so appreciative! I had been kinda in the dumps lately, and hadn't found anything very effective to pull me out. But when I read his text saying "Aw! Thanks Bachi!" I got such an incredible natural high, and realized "This is it! This is what makes me happiest!" It had been so long since I'd done anything that would make somebody appreciate me that I'd forgotten how good it feels. The sudden, immediate and lasting improvement in my mood was just like a drug. All it took was a simple favor, and a simple "thank you", and I was back to my normal happy self. It's not a cure-all, but it sure helped.

So, now that I know this, I'm not sure what it means going forward. But it's a good thing to have figured out