How Can I Fulfill?

I wish I knew better how to let things go and just have faith in life's current, and float. I want to be able to do that, and I've tried really, really hard, many, many times. But the thing is, the minute I start feeling all zen about my present and future, I panic.

How can I leisurely float when getting the things I want and deserve in my life take planning and work? I do believe in the incredible power of thought and attraction, but I also know it takes more than concentrated contemplation to manifest something. It takes effort, organization, fulfillment of goals and thinking things through. And maybe I'm completely wrong, but when I'm laying back, simply flowing and letting things happen as they may, I'm not so much playing an active role in creating the life I want for myself. Am I?

Everyone has goals,Nothing to admire at this, but , I'm frightened by it. Does Everyone are extremely driven and hardworking. If You want to do something, You will. "No" is not an option for You. You'r a doer.You may have ability to make things happen. in fact, at Your young age, Youve may have already accomplished many of Your dreams. Of course You may have a lot more hopes to - make Your WILL - fulfill, and while I am in awe of others determination and ability to not just set a goal, but follow it through to fruition, I am worried about my lack of clarity in determining, and thus making happen, my own goals.

Here's One thing: there are many things I want to accomplish in my lifetime. But they're all blurry and indiscriminate. Where as GENIUS'S goals are focused and specific, mine are ambiguous, more metaphorical. They are a fuzzy smudge to theis dark, fine-pointed line. And, as I'm finding, when your goals aren't specific or clear, neither is figuring out how to achieve them. What do I want to do? I want to help people. I want to write. I want to creatively express myself. I want to be a great Dad(dont lol) in future. I want to make a difference. I want to make people's days brighter. These are MUSTS in my life, but beyond being the person who acts on all the above, every single day, I'm not sure where I belong, what my career options are and what paths I should get on.

Because of this, I worry that I won't do all the things I want in my life, and instead, will wind up merely playing a supporting role in the lives of my loved ones. While I want to support my family in becoming the people they want to be, and while I want to be a loving partner and as incredible dad to my future children as my dad is to me, I don't want my own dreams for myself, my life, to fall by the wayside.


My Loved ones's will support me in achieving my dreams, too. I just have to get clear - have a more palpable idea of what they are. I do know, though, that I am not okay with merely being an accessory to someone else's life.

Do You Know Who You Are?

Why do we equate our life's meaning with our work? Why is our sense of self so steeped in our achievements and how well we perform? And when we're not constantly accomplishing, or striving to accomplish, why is it we feel worthless? As though our existences have been entirely depleted of meaning?

When I don't write, or when I don't feel much like writing, I feel like a failure. When moments pass me by that I don't document - colorful, important moments that penning about now will surely help me learn the grand significance of later - I am overcome with shame. If I consider my role 'documenter of life', what purpose do I have here if I am not documenting?

Why is our sense of integrity and okay-ness so wrapped up in what we do, when what we do is not equal to who we are?

Because untangling the two isn't easy.

Right now, ask yourself who you are. And in doing so, don't allow yourself to answer in terms of profession, hobbies, relationships or material attachments. All of a sudden the notion of WHO you are becomes a far more intricate and convoluted matter, doesn't it?

In many ways it feels an impossible question to answer simply because it's so societally ingrained, and accepted, to create identities around what we do; accomplish; are talented and skillful in; the company we keep and things we own (or are able to own).

But what happens when all that falls away? When we're left with nothing but ourselves? When, like an onion, each of those material outer layers is peeled back and we're left with only ourselves - our essence and core being? What does that self consist of? Who is it? What is it? And how can we stop attaching so fervently to those outer sheaths long enough to make our own acquaintance? Because when it comes down to it, we are all we have. And the thing about those layers is that, although seemingly protective, they merely make it easier to live in a state of denial; to focus stringently on exoteric elements so we never actually have to make the most important journey of all...the journey within.

The minute we attach our identity to something outside ourselves - whether it be our profession, relationships, recreational activities - when we are no longer capable of or excited about working that job or honing that skill or being with that person, we ultimately lose ourselves and sense of wellbeing. Because that is all we've allowed ourselves to know of ourselves.

But here's the thing, our lives are LADEN with purpose and meaning - we just have to be open to realizing it. We are all here for purposes that extend far beyond mere occupations and relational titles. And every day we are granted a plethora of opportunities to understand, showcase, and experience that. We are here to be active participants in life; to feel fully; to love others and ourselves; to grow; to enjoy; to learn from life's highs, lows, valleys and peaks.

There is a quote I love by Ralph Waldo Emerson and I read it every time I get down on myself for not accomplishing and thus not feeling like the best version of myself - or rather, feeling like 'no self' at all - and it goes like this:

"The definition of success--To laugh much; to win respect of intelligent persons and the affections of children; to earn the approbation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give one's self; to leave the world a little better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition.; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm, and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived--this is to have succeeded."

What enthralls me so deeply about this simple, yet evocative, passage is that it reminds me that success is measured in a myriad of ways. Too often people become so deeply connected to, and insistent on, climbing corporate ladders and other outward elements, that that becomes their only monitor of success, achievement, and thus, sense of self. And while that may indeed be one standard of 'success', so is simply living well, being well, enjoying each day, showing kindness to others, fulfilling passions, introducing a bit more creativity to the world through your very own unique and individualized thoughts, getting to know and love your self. Your true self - sans all the UNprotective outer layers.

In my opinion, that is accomplishment and fortune defined. We just need to eradicate our preconceived meanings of success and self-worth to realize it.

Working Through And Towards

Being in love scares me. It's not loving someone else that I find petrifying. It's allowing someone to love me. Wholly opening myself up, revealing my core essence, and risking rejection of that is by far one the scariest things I can imagine. What if, as they get to know me, they realize they don't love all of me? What if they're repulsed by the parts of me that I already despise in myself?

Someone once told me that unconditional love in life is a fallacy. "Only your parents will love you unconditionally." he declared it so pragmatically. But I have quirks. Many, many quirks. Even I find it difficult to withstand myself sometimes, and this makes me wonder (and worry) how will anyone else? Why would anyone else? The notion of finding the right person - the man who will love me more BECAUSE OF my quirks - was swiftly abolished the afternoon I heard his matter-of-fact statement. Is she right? Is it true that no one will ever love us the way our parents do, or did? Definitively and genuinely? With the same unconditional depth of heart?


I believe I can love a partner unconditionally. I also believe that love flourishes over time. We may not begin our unions feeling all-encompassing, I'll-love-you-no-matter-what sentiments, but if I am ever really going to allow myself to fall, and give myself completely to someone else, I have to think it can develop.

I have to.


I've always known that I have a lot of love to give to the right person. I'm Boy who's been waiting, hoping, for love her entire life. The girl who enters into all the wrong unions in the hopes that one of them will miraculously turn right. Throughout the years, this has caused me a lot of heartache, but it's also propelled my personal growth and helped me gain much needed perspective and self-awareness. It's also given me a clear understanding of what I want--need--in a mate. And what I stringently will NOT accept, or put up with, ever again.

I have evolved. I've realized what dynamics I want to recreate, what behaviors of mine I want to uphold, as well as what I never want to endure, or act like, again. I've finally found someone who encompasses everything I believe I need. But no union is perfect, and there are definitely obstacles for us to overcome. But what makes this relationship different from all my imperfectness . past is that we're working through, and in turn, working towards.

I finally feel like I'm being understood; heard. And when I express my needs they - gasp! - get met! I don't have to scream and cry to get my voice heard. Not that this ever worked before, either. As I've finally come to understand, responding to a raised voice with tears isn't a very effective method-it invalidates me, and negates everything I'm attempting to say.

Purposeful Meaning Of All Our Lives

I don't believe in coincidences. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Even if this is not true, which, perhaps it may not be, I choose to believe it even so because it attributes order, sense and meaning to the confusing, nonsensical and, at times, overwhelming nature of life. I believe wholeheartedly in cause and effect, and that if an awful thing happens, it has not occurred in vain. There is always a purpose behind it. It is this unwavering faith, this stringent knowledge that is from heartache and tragedy are born gifts of learning and growth, that there is a greater meaning and purpose behind even the most seemingly cruel and painful circumstances, that helps me through the difficult moments of my life.

Some people wholeheartedly disagree with me and choose to assume life is a disconnected series of pointless events. We are all entitled to our own belief systems, and I would never try to convince someone to accept my thoughts as true, but for me, life, with all its ups and downs and in-betweens, is wayward and distressing enough; and to view it from this fragmented and purposeless perspective would only intensify my grief and dull my joy.

Things happen, regardless of whether or not we plan for them; regardless of whether or not we attempt to do everything in our power to prevent them. I am learning to release the pangs of guilt I feel every time I think of something I could have done differently to help ensure this "accident" didn't happen; I am learning to let go of the aching caused by words unspoken and apologies withheld; I am learning to forgive myself for being a testy.

Iam also realizing that even when we feel we are drowning in a sea of anguish, when the waves are crashing over us so powerfully and we grow exhausted and weary from thrashing and flailing to stay afloat, at the very instant we think of giving into the tempest, and abandoning all hope of rescue, we must excite our faith...and hold on more tightly. The waves will calm, the skies will eventually shine vibrantly blue and we will find within us the strength, and desire, to continue and endure.

I have confronted these waves, from the unruly storm to the serene sea, for every single day i can tell you with certainty that we are never given anything we cannot handle. I dont say that i could handle anything, but I am, indeed, handling. And even when I feel weakest, I am reminded by the way I am continuing to persevere, and live my life, that I have become a much stronger version of myself than I ever imagined I could be.

I believe this is the eloquent and purposeful meaning of all our lives.

"In the darkest hour the soul is replenished and given strength to continue and endure".

Words Unspoken

here i go with small F---T piece with all my strength
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"Not everything is better spoken aloud. Not when I see you"

Why can't you be there for me the way I need you to? Why can you only incorporate me into your life when it's convenient for you -- when there's an empty space aching to be filled?
I don't understand. Don't you want me to be happy?If You choose to move on with your life, who's there to think about me. If you want to be with me, then speak up ;quit being living your life so inauthentically. And if you don't, then walk away and let me be.

Don't start this with me unless you intend to see it through.

You're a pillar of strength and I admire your groundedness and the way you live your life with integrity and determination.I can't wait to make more memories and remain friend to you im my golden years.im here to sustain you.

I wish you saw in yourself what I see every time I look at you: a beautiful, witty, intelligent, sensitive, clever individual. You are worthy and worth-it. --------.


I'm envious of your life. And yours. And yours. And yours

Sometimes I forget where you end and I begin.

I fear if I stop giving so much of myself to you, you won't need me anymore. I don't want to lose you.


(thats it guys........this is what i can make out from my limited resources and maximum strength)